There are many feelings I can tollerate, supress or somehow alternatively deal with, feeling unwanted isn’t one of them. This evening my father sent a pretty clear signal that he didn’t want me living here anymore, the simple line of “I want you to move out” would be the key indicator of me not being wanted anymore. People selectively disconnect from each other and move on all the time, I personally have only done it a few times, and never with family. How could a father, my father, want his only son to move out? Am I that hard to deal with? Do I cause that much of a problem? My mother assures me that I am allowed to live here as long as she does, but somehow I get the feeling that there is a secret about me that neither of them knows that would even change her mind. Could my father possibly know my secret? Has he been listening at my door to my phone calls? I don’t know and I don’t really care at the moment. At the moment I am focused on this feeling of being unwanted, and finding this internal need to seek stability and establish my own life independant of my parents. I just can’t let myself be exposed to my uncaring father every day of my life, it isn’t healthy for me. I wish I could bring back the days of my youth when I didn’t worry about things like having to leave my home, or people not liking me. How can this be my life? How could I have changed this much?
Addendum – December 30, 2004: Father has recalled the statement.
One thought on “Being Unwanted”
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Curtis,
It is not you who have changed. It is not even likely that your father that has changed that much. I do not know your father, nor do I care to; but my first reponse is to say that is he treating you not unlike he was treated at this age. He now see you as an adult, and as such, he expects you to be out on your own, responsible for yourself.
When I went to college after my tour in the Coast Guard, I made the mistake of returning home to live, in part, to make it possible to afford to go. I never recognized how caustic my relationship to my father was to me, until recently, during therapy. I always tried to prove to him that i was worthy of his respect, something that he could never grant me, since, as an engineer, he could not accept the possiblility of his being wrong. He never changed. In his eyes, I was always his son, never his equal, never his peer.
As much as it pains me to say it, as much as it may pain you to do it, if you can stay until the end of the Spring semester, then move out, it may be best. I do not know know if unwanted is the best term for this, but after the joy you had on Christmas Day, this was nothing less than a body blow to your self-esteem at a time when you need it the least.
As far as you being unwanted goes, that may or may not true with your father, but there are are other people, like myself, that value you highly, as a friend, as a gay brother, and, now, as i think know, for some of us, at least, a companion. That will never change.
There has become, in the Gay and Lesbian community, a saying that we make our own families. You know why I say that. It may be starting to become time to move forward and look past Dad to the family that you choose to be a part of, rather than the one you were born into.
As far as secrets goes, I doubt that they know the one you refer to. His position might stem from a secret that they hold from you. On this, there is no way to tell. I doubt either would have any interest in listening in on your phone calls.
There is a term that comes to mind from some of our passt conversations that fits now: indifference. I will never know, nor dor i care to have anyone try to explain to me, how parents could be indefferent to their only child, but that is term that I can best find for now.
Give me a phone call soon. You know my number. It’s your turn to talk and my turn to listen.
My warmest thoughts to you, as always.
Bruce