Lastely I have been making a lot of discoveries internally about myself. These discoveries are mostly things that need action to be taken for them to be of any value. One area in which this needs to be sought out with vigor is my general activity of life, the mandatories. I currently have no real set pattern for eating, sleeping, hobbies, cleaning, or anything like that. I would really like to learn to sleep on a pattern that resembles that of the sun (not the sun in antarctica), and for healthy digestion I should be eating 2 – 3 well thought out meals each day at normal times. My hobbies are things I really enjoy, but they have been moving around a lot from what thjey used to be, I used to be highly into programming and stuff like that, now I would rather stick my hands in a vat of clay and make something. This hobby transition wouldn’t be such an issue, but I seem to be stuck to my keyboard more than I want to be. My thoughts when I am in my room is that I need to be there waiting in case someone wants/needs to talk to me and if I don’t think about other things before I land there, they don’t get done. I wish I could break away from my electronic leash more than I do. My time with Chris is very valueble to me, and somehow in his presence I manage to handle my electronic life a lot better. While he is around I might check my email once, twice at the most, but I am not sitting around waiting for messages, I am with him for those times, not with my computers. I guess I need to learn to be with myself and actually be able to do things for myself. Part of my issue I think links to the way I was trained from birth. I have always been taught to be in my designated location, get permission to go anywhere else, and ALWAYS be predictable. I am used to being in this mindset, and I fear living life as a result. I really want to learn to live, but at current I can’t seem to do it alone and I’m glad to have a best friend beside me to help me learn what I missed out on. Chris is so full of life and isn’t scared of most adventures. This brings me to my next topic, cleaning. I have noticed lately that there has been a transistion that I was not aware of before… my parents no longer clean for me and I never was informed that they had stopped. I guess its the type of thing that has never crossed my mind before, I am an adult and should be taking care of things like that myself. One of the biggest problems in my life if that I never was transistioned to being an adult, I missed that whole teenager stage of things. I went from everything being done for me to things being not done for me and me being dropped on my ass. Somewhere in there I think my parents were supposed to encourage me to do things on my own, while still reminding me about them. As a result I have a lot of “independant” stuff to learn yet.
I am making changes in my life, although some of them are slow, it is still progress and I want it to continue. Somewhere over the years I have changed and somehow manage to keep doing so. Whether I go from being a scholarly kind of guy to a stormtrooper (thanks Ryan), or a programmer to a potter, or a yes-man to a philosopher, or a nerd to a jock, I do not know, all I know is that it is my life and I need to learn to live it the best I can.
June 05, 2005

May 22, 2004