It’s been a while since I’ve written about anything emotional, but there is something on my mind that I just must write.
When I was young, I used to spend many summers with my aunt, not just summers, but also Christmas break, Easter break and any break I could find to be around her. My aunt did something for me that no one else in my family did, made me feel special. My aunt and I used to do all sorts of things together. From working on the garden to watching airplanes take off, we did almost anything that we could find to do together. Unlike my relationship with my parents, I could go months with my aunt and not have a single issue with her. At my aunt’s house I sometimes had chores to do, but I didn’t mind. The worst part of chores in general is the feeling of being alone when doing them, she never made me feel that way, even if she wasn’t around while I was doing them. Something about feeling loved made it possible for me to not feel that way.
Things continued like that from a few weeks after I was born until I was about 11. When I was 11 my 2nd-tier cousin was born. She got all of my aunt’s attention as the new favorite child. I felt generally ignored, and spent less time with her. Things stayed that way for several years, until things calmed down. By the time things had calmed down, I was in the process of figuring out my sexual orientation, and having multiple emotional issues involving it. I hid from my all of my family, and became the very shy kid that no one was sure how to approach. After some time, this quiet became anger and a temper that was very easy to trigger. Look at me wrong, get yelled at, say something that upsets me, and watch me yell and then run into a depression. It was a very unfriendly time in my life. I shut down emotionally. At that time, the distance between my aunt and myself was set.
Many years later, I am comfortable with my sexuality, and don’t feel as bad when interacting with people. Over the past 2 summers I have spent time with my aunt. That time hasn’t been directly with her, but instead, a bit buffered by Chris. The few times I have been with just myself and my aunt, I have felt awkward and afraid of questions that may be asked or things that may be said. Last weekend my aunt went with my to a guild meeting, she seemed uncomfortable and wanted to rush things a bit. Lately I have gotten the feeling that my aunt only does things with me because she feels like she has to, and I’m a bit sick of it. I feel like she pretends to be involved so that she won’t feel guilty for asking for my help with things. I don’t want to help her anymore and I don’t want her to help me anymore. I want to separate completely from her and save myself from the sadness that the absence of the previously existing relationship creates.
I miss her, but I have to face the fact that things will never be the same with her again.