I, Curtis

Category: General Life

  • Beginning Doctoral Study

    Somehow in my life, nothing ever quite happens exactly as I expect or plan it. My admission to a doctoral degree program is no different. I was originally anticipating enrolling in a doctoral program in Fall 2019 after spending a full year evaluating my options. Now I am admitted to the PhD in Educational Research, Measurement and Evaluation (ERME) for Spring 2019.

    There are several layers of background that contribute to how I have arrived at this current situation. I had a lot of trouble figuring out where I fit in academically. I have interests in a lot of different disciplines, ranging from philosophy to technology and a variety of social and artistic stops between. I looked at programs like Public Policy and Organizational Science, I found them to be empty and cold. I had previously had 2 courses in the department of Educational Leadership, a survey design class and a course about the basics of instructional design. I enjoyed both courses, so I took a chance on another class, Applied Research Methods. Through that class I became familiar with the graduate director for the Educational Research, Measurement and Evaluation program. Through that class I became more interested in the parallels between educational research and social research. One of the most interesting things was that educational research spans all sorts of systems for analysis. Single case research like is found in psychology, phenomenological research as is found in philosophy and institutional/societal research as is found in sociology. For a lack of a better way of phrasing it – academically, I was home.

    The further complication for me was that the department offers 3 doctoral programs of interest to me – EDD Educational Leadership in Higher Education, EDD Educaitonal Leadership in Learning, Design and Technology and the PhD in ERME. In addition, each of those degrees could be paired with one or more certificates. There are a lot of possibilities to design an overall curriculum in the area. With all of these possibilities, why did I select educational research? While both of the EDD programs hold an interest for me, each is much more narrowly designed than I feel I would be happy with. I do not seek to be purely a “leader” nor do I want to be purely an instructional designer. The PhD is 12 hours more and a lot more research intensive than the either of the EDD programs, but the curriculum is more flexible so I can design it to be what I need. There is also a bit of challenge to the PhD curriculum for me. I mentioned that it is more research intensive, well, in terms of analysis methodologies, that has always been a zone of weakness for me. I struggled with quantitative analysis in the Sociology MA, barely grasping the concepts. I feel as though I have matured quite a bit intellectually since that course and am excited to take on the new challenge of learning more advanced analysis skills. The educational leadership department generally is methodologically open, so I would not have to go with a quantitative approach for my dissertation, in fact I could do a mixed methods dissertation if I preferred.

    So, how did Fall 2019 become Spring 2019? An odd bit of e-mail exchanges and both myself and the graduate director being eager. Last Monday (December 17th) I sent a series of questions about the application. Upon reviewing those questions (and my DegreeWorks profile) the director noticed that I had enrolled for courses that count in the program for spring. Initially I was taking one of the courses, Program Evaluation, because it applies to my job. The other course I was taking mostly for fun, but it also could apply to the program. After confirming my intentions the graduate director asked me to turn in my application as soon as possible. That was last Tuesday (December 18th). By Wednesday (December 19th) my application was submitted. On Thursday (December 20th) morning I was invited to interview with the admissions committee at 10am. It was a brief 30 minute interview, which took only about 39 minutes. On Friday morning (December 21st) I woke up to an email from the graduate director informing me of the committee’s decision to recommend me for admission. By the afternoon I had received communication from the graduate school asking me to confirm my intention to enroll. I responded almost immediately.

    So, a week ago I had not submitted an application to the PhD program, but now, less than a week after submitting the application, I am an admitted doctoral student. My first classes officially in the program will begin on January 9th. It has been quite an adventurous week of unexpected events, but somehow, based on my academic history, really doesn’t come as a surprise to me that I was admitted in such a way.

  • Consolidating Web Presence

    In an effort to consolidate my web presence to a small number of domain names this blog is moving from icurtis.me to cmkularski.net.

  • The Kindle Dilemma in Academic Resources

    For myself and many other students the invention of e-readers, specifically Amazon’s Kindle, has lifted a burden of carrying numerous physical volumes and has given us quick access to new resources that we may have otherwise not obtained had we been restricted to physical volumes. The problem is: citation styles do not keep up.

    I am in the middle (or maybe about 1/4 of the way through) my Gender Theory paper. One of the texts I am using (Butler’s Gender Trouble, if it matters), has both “Real Page Numbers” as well as the traditional Kindle location numbers. My dilemma is perhaps a quirky one. I do like having access to the page numbers of a real volume as it allows me to keep up with discussions in class with others that have physical volumes, but I fundamentally disagree with using page numbers from Kindle for the purpose of citing quotes and other uses in academic papers.

    My primary issue is that those page numbers are not as “real” as Amazon would have you to think that they are. The page numbers are from whichever edition of the text that Amazon decided to match the Kindle edition to. Also, not all Kindle books have “Real Page Numbers” and as such the unit of conversion is quite misleading. Finally, I love that Kindle location numbers are more specific than page numbers. If I am quoting from a page I can touch and hold the page at the start of the quote and it will give me a location that is specific to the Kindle line number that the quote appears on, making it easier to retrieve, validate or re-read the specific area of text in question.

    The logical problem is that since Kindle books are not physical books, the concept of using location numbers as page numbers is misleading. Also because some books have both locations and pages, it can be vague to cite a location number that is particularly low (say under 500). As such I find myself having to modify the existing citation styles to accommodate my needs. At present I am working inside the confines of MLA. Instead of using the basic format (Butler 25), I am using a somewhat modified style (Butler loc286) to decrease the misleading/vague aspects of the citation. It is my hope that in a future version of the Modern Language Association (ha! just remembered the “M” stands for “modern”, ironic isn’t it?) protocol there is some official guidance or methodology for addressing this specific issue or some general guidance for how to handle special cases. I do feel somewhat encouraged by the fact that generally the resources regarding MLA style do indicate that where a protocol is not specified that the author has free judgment in how to comply with the standard. 

  • End of 2012

    I haven’t posted a lot in the past month, I suppose I’ve been trying to relax and enjoy my weeks off before returning to academics in January. I also believe I may be lacking in anything profound to post for now. That in itself may be a major change for me in 2012. I am less interested in frivolous posts and deeply personal posts. I’m not closing the walls to my emotions or anything, but I now have surrounded myself with people who I feel I can discuss those things with personally and not necessarily need a public venue for them. This is still a personal venue for me, I’m not making it professional, that’s going to be CMKULARSKI.NET, if I ever get myself to a position where I feel I have a handle on what that website it supposed to be.

    This year has in some ways been a very productive year for me and in other ways has simply been a continuance of the status quo.

    In January there was a bit of activity regarding my graduate student status. I found out that I was eliminated early in the review process for the M.A. in Counseling degree, but I completed by application for the MA-SOCY degree. By March I was notified that I had been waitlisted for the MA-SOCY degree and I therefore took that as a sign that my chances of admission had dropped and as such I would need to continue my education through an alternative route. I designed a plan to work toward a Master of Arts in Liberal Studies utilizing a program of my own construction. It would have been quite interesting I thought, but later in April I was formally accepted to the MA-SOCY program and things began to line up for me. I must admit, I do have some regrets over withdrawing my application and cancelling my plans for the MALS degree because it would have been a very interesting and unique experience. The sociology program has given me several new perspectives on the social world though. It is less through the academics so far, but more through the interactions with the people in my department. Each of my fellow graduate students and each member of the faculty has some different background they bring to sociology and as far as I can tell each of them sees sociology differently, in some ways it gives me hope of finding my own niche in the field. Things have turned out quite differently this year than I originally had planned or what I had hoped for, but I have very few regrets about the way that things have turned out.

    Outside of academics I feel like not much has changed for me, except for an attempt to re-enter some of my artistic hobbies such as photography and ceramics. I have done only enough ceramics to ensure that my skill has not dulled, but my photographic interests continue to expand. I am finding the film medium to be more appealing to me now that ever before. As I find myself immersed in a technological way of doing most things and beginning a time of deeper social exploration in a society that seems to be in a rush to dispose of traditional ways of doing things I feel that sticking to film is important for me. It is ironic really that I do everything in very technical and efficient ways except for my artistic expression which uses two mediums that are often seen as “old”. This is the year in which I find myself understanding the importance of distancing oneself from a subject through the use of a less realistic medium for the purpose of drawing more attention to the subject and allowing the medium to fall away.

    Most of 2012 has been spent on academic pursuits. I am deeply involved in the academy and in my life as a graduate student.

  • Safe Spaces

    Many things have come together today to make me think about the relationship between identity and space. The first prompting of these thoughts was in an article that I was reading (Bell, David, et al. "All Hyped Up And No Place To Go." Gender, Place and Culture (1994): 31-47.), and then another was in a discussion with a friend who is concerned about his difference from what he perceives as the norms of society around him.

    The only true safe space is in a private space, but I’m not even sure that is certain. “Safe” is entirely relative when it comes to identity presentation.

    When I think about the many aspects of my own identity and how I present them at various times and various places I realize that a large amount of who I am is kept in silence and not revealed outwardly. Around my hometown I feel as though I must present myself in a very straight way, I cannot show affection to my boyfriend or allow any hint of my sexuality to be detected. I do not attempt to enact a form of heterosexual drag as some people may feel they need to, but I also do not present myself in my true form. I am a silent queer when I am in general public. When I am on campus things are a bit different. I feel comfortable displaying affection and generally allowing myself to be gay, I don’t have any fear of what anyone might say or do. I know of very few acts of hate-related violence on the campus and in general I feel safe on campus. I do however still reserve parts of my identity that I might classify as “kinky”. Those are not safe for public display or public acknowledgement yet. However, that is dramatically different when I am in the sociology office or am interacting with my cohort. I suppose you could say that I am as out as is possible (including some T.M.I. details in some cases) with that group. I grew close to them very quickly and they made their acceptance of different identities known.  This is not particularly common though, as I have been in classes and environments where I did not feel safe to be myself at all in a small group situation. Classes outside of sociology and gender studies I find myself in mixed company and while the overall attitude of the campus is fairly accepting I just cannot convince myself to be open when it is a group that I will have to have frequent interactions with. The strongest examples of this were my courses in cognitive science last spring where I was in a mixed group of psychology and computer science students. Oddly, I was more comfortable in HCI than the more interdisciplinary Intro to CogSci class.

    It concerns me that I do not have a clear conception of how each “space” that I interact with becomes “safe” or “unsafe”. Many of my judgments are not based on any sort of empirical data, just a vague concept of the beliefs and attitudes in those spaces.

    An interesting thought from the paper I mentioned before, by default all spaces are constructed as being heterosexual until such time as they are queered and become something other than heterosexual (Bell, David, et.al.). I’m not sure I completely agree that all spaces are constructed as sexualized, as there are some spaces that are constructed as completely asexual and any perversion therein causes great social discomfort for all involved (public restrooms is a key example). Whereas there are some spaces I agree fully that they are sexualized and that they are strongly heterosexual, regardless of numerous attempts to queer them and appropriate the spaces for homosexual or homoerotic purposes (such as men’s locker rooms).  I think of spaces such as classrooms as sexually agnostic by default. Their sexualization is based upon whoever inhabits the room at a given time. If a classroom is inhabited by a Baptist-lead bible club on Friday, but is inhabited by an LGBT class on Tuesday, the space is itself not defined for either group until such time as that group collects in the room and asserts a particular social atmosphere for the space. That being said, there is no guarantee that the classroom is a true safe space when inhabited by the LGBT class, in my experience such classrooms can become very unsafe for heterosexuals. If the heterosexuals in the space are not physically unsafe, then they are still at risk of marginalization and violent deconstruction of their very existence in that space. A true safe space must by definition be a space where anyone, regardless of identity can be themselves without fear of persecution or radical social violence. 

  • Frustration with Amazon.com’s Add-On Program

    I am an Amazon Prime customer and have been for several years. I am accustomed to getting the best customer service experience that Amazon can offer. Unfortunately that has become a far worse experience in the past few months as a result of Amazon’s “new” Add-On Program.

    First thing to note about “Add-On”: the basis for the program is a lie. New items are not suddenly available because of the program. Most of the items that are in the category of “add-on” used to be available as standard Prime items. It is possible that Amazon now has to make the items “add-on” to be able to continue cost-effectively offering them for sale them for sale, but they were previously available as Prime items. It should also be noted that in my experience (through Chris), add-on items will sometimes be shipped by themselves or with other add-on items inside of the same order. There is no cost-cutting in this approach, only an encouragement to buy more in the same order. One thing that Amazon should realize about Prime customers at this point is that we are not just looking for the great deal on shipping, we are fond of Amazon’s inventory, speed of processing orders and accuracy of processing orders. Amazon’s customer service in general cannot beaten. Therefore Prime customers are loyal and likely individually spend enough to cover our usage of shipping for smaller items without having to penalize us.

    The really irritating part of “Add-on” is that there is no way to buy an item that is in the program without ordering $25 of merchandise. I’m not sure how other Prime members feel, but I personally would be willing to pay Amazon the $0.95 or $1.50 that most add-on items would require for being shipped through conventional methods when I do not meet the $25 requirement. I also feel that it should be reasonable to allow customers to order any other Prime eligible item at the same time as the add-on and get free shipping on both items, it just makes logistical sense.

    My most recent frustration with the add-on program came when attempting to check on film that I am interested in purchasing. I wanted the Ilford Delta Pro 400 film in 36 exposures, but also noticed the 24 exposure variety and became aware of the difference in shipping options for each one. I wanted the 36, but decided to see how restrictive the add-on program is for this type of item. I added the 24 exposure to my cart and adjusted the quantity to be 7 rolls, which would take me just over the $25 mark. To my surprise Amazon informed me that I was not allowed to buy that quantity of the item. This really frustrates me, as I have never run into a situation where I have been told that I can’t buy the quantity of an item that I want from Amazon (as long as quantity is in stock).

    Between the add-on program, recent changes in the return and exchanges procedures and a variety of other “quirks” about the customer service process I am becoming more hostile toward Amazon and am beginning to question the value of remaining a Prime member.

    Example of an arbitrary assignment of an item to “Prime” or “Add-on” programs":

  • In the confines of identity

    As a member of various fetish and BDSM communities I have been silent on the topic of identity related to those communities, primarily because the unity of identity is important to the salience of the community and to the continuance of an open and supportive environment for those who feel that they have a sexual identity that does not reflect those that are portrayed in popular media. As a child growing up in the South I did not exactly have an environment that was open and accepting of homosexuals or any other form of queerness and as such I recognize the importance of there being the presence (or at least the illusion) of a community for those who do not seem to fit in with the normative world and their geographic community’s “standards”.

    As an academic, feminist, queer theorist and supporter of universal equality I can no longer stand by silently and allow some of the behaviors and assumptions of those communities go without critique. While the BDSM and fetish communities may seem open and welcoming to many, especially those who make personal contact with someone in the community, to others it can be frightening. Imagine just becoming aware of your sexuality, realizing that leather and some forms of bondage excite you, or at the very least it is something you are curious about and attempting to discover if there are others like you only to be greeted with imagery of men clad entirely in leather with violent themes of whipping, flogging and other forms of domination. That is a very strong image that the BDSM community portrays and to someone just exploring that can be somewhat overwhelming and also cause a bit of concern coming from a normative background and being faced with the potential that you must accept that imagery as a potential part of yourself. While ultimately the person will navigate the imagery and find his or her own place, that initial presentation combined with assumptions of normativity can be concerning.

    Initial contact with the community aside, the community’s views and assumptions are very narrow. Once a person is initiated into the community there is the typical question of “are you top or bottom?” or “are you dom or sub?” or any of thousands of other phrasings of asking the same question. The duality of the question requires the individual to answer one option or the other, and for some it must become an identity that they accept and live with for their duration of their interaction with the community. The question assumes that there are only two options. While many of us do know better, we know the secret of door #3, the door precariously labeled “switch”. In our community though, how do we treat “switch”? It has a negative connotation, usually reserved for bi-sexuals or “curious” individuals (a topic for another post). Even the name “switch” implies that there is no hybridity, only two options which a person must choose from when approaching another person. The identity roles involved in the D/S component of BDSM are too easy to fall back on for both BDSM and fetish players/participants. Bondage & Discipline do not imply that there must be a separation of the identities, only imply that there will be an active role and a more passive role, but the duration is not specified. It does not have to be for a lifetime, an evening, a session or even for a moment. It is entirely possible for the roles to overlap somewhat at the same time, so there is no need to restrict the roles. This applies similarly to the sadism/masochism component as well. While temporarily is not a real limiting factor of the D/S component, the general functioning of the D/S community does rely on roles that are either static, predictable or situationally determined (competition for dominance). Dominance and submission has overflown from its own space to all aspects of BDSM (B/D, D/S, S/M) and even into fetish. In this overflow of identity upon other identity it is clear that identity has become a more central component of the community than the experience. The experience should not be lost for the good of the identity or else the identity is worthless.

    Now to step back a moment. In this argument I am not saying that people who identify as 100% dominant or 100% submissive are in any way wrong for their desires and feelings. They should be able to express themselves just as much as anyone else, but I believe that any space between has been disregarded. Anyone identifying as having a fetish or BDSM interest is assumed to also carry a D/S identity or to embrace many aspects of the community when in fact it is also possible for a person to only be interested in limited aspects.

    Another problem, somewhat more minor, but still present is the “hardcore” identity which exists inside the walled garden of BDSM. I don’t know if it is a hold-over from radical gay liberation, an attempt to defend a certain type of masculinity or if it is simply a matter of pride, but it is another aspect which causes me concern regarding maintaining equality. “Hardcore” players perceive themselves are better or being more authentic than those who are not “hardcore” players. Living the lifestyle 24/7 is sometimes looked upon as a privileged position on both sides, but is it “real” or is it an extended performance? My personal view is that participants who have adopted a 24/7 approach to their interests are not more legitimate or more authentic than those who play on the weekends or those who keep a box of toys under the bed and play occasionally. Being 24/7 also does not de-legitimate you or mean that you are in some sort of extended erotic illusion. It is all simply a matter of how you interpret yourself, the type of life you want for yourself and the identity that you carry.

    The bottom line (or summary for those of you who looked at all that text and shook your head): There are a multitude of identities in the BDSM and fetish communities, there is no reason that there exist assumptions about identity or interests or that the community allow only the dominance/submission group be the presenting face.

  • Why I Hate The Closet

    October 11th is National Coming Out Day in the United States and seven other countries.

    I am very happy to for the most part live an open life in which I do not have to hide my true self from the majority of the people with whom I interact. There are still some areas of my life in which I do not yet feel comfortable being a completely out person. That will either change or those people will not be very important in my life.

    It isn’t the lies or the cover-ups that make me hate the closeted life, it’s the loss of vital relationships as a result of the required social distance and the constant feeling that if the truth were known, then it may change how a person interacts with me. The biggest mistake of my life was not coming out to my aunt when I was younger. My aunt and I have a closer relationship than I have with anyone else in my family.  Until I was 11 I spent every summer, every winter break and every spring break with her. Before I attended school I spent as much time with her as I could. When I was 11 one of my second cousins was born and my aunt had to adapt to her additional familial role (grandmother). The following year my sexual feelings began to emerge and I felt as though I could no longer spend as much time with her or be myself around her. I pushed away from her pretty hard, and kept her at a distance for a while. By the time I had become comfortable enough with myself to be around her and not feel like I would have to hide myself (about 18) I had begun my relationship with Chris  and by then I was spending more time with him and not leaving much free time open for others. As a result of those changes I lost the closeness of the relationship that I had with my aunt. I regret it. She is the person that could have been my closest ally when I was going through difficult times in my life, but instead because of social pressures and a feeling placed on me by media and other forces I felt like I wouldn’t be accepted. I hate the closet, it shouldn’t have to exist.

    Coming out is a very important process. You can hide from those that care about you and wonder if they would accept you, or you can come out and know for certain. It doesn’t have to be all at once or even a direct statement, just be yourself and let come what comes. I can only think of a few situations under which I have directly stated “I’m gay”. Most of those were in high school when I felt an obligation to tell my best friends who I was, I guess in that part of life it makes sense, especially if you are in need of support in your social environment. Since then most of my “coming out” has been through expressed attractions. The easiest way to come out has been through Chris, its so much easier to say in a statement “… my boyfriend…” than it is to directly say “I’m gay”. In situations where I have come out, it has for the most part been very comfortable and not a dramatic announcement. If you go into something like that thinking its going to be a big deal, then the situation will probably find a way to be like that.

    I consider myself to be gay, I am attracted to men, and I have a multitude of fetishes and other assorted paraphilia. I do not consider myself to be abnormal and at this point in my life, I embrace who I am.

  • Invasion of My Personal E-mail

    I am becoming increasingly frustrated by the amount of automated e-mail that has reached my personal inbox and my academic inbox. I maintain special e-mail accounts for automated e-mail, commercial e-mail and anything that is not directly personal correspondence or academic correspondence.

    I have been placed in an awkward position by two large entities that are notorious for their automated email. Google and AOL, for their Google+ and AIM properties respectively, have begun sending periodic e-mails to my personal email address. I did not opt-in to these messages. It is easy enough to opt-out, but that isn’t really the point, those e-mails should not have arrived in that inbox to begin with. I use my personal e-mail address with Google because Google hosts my personal email (and for everyone on the kularski.org domain). Several months ago I also decided to use the same e-mail address for communications via the AIM system because it made sense to keep all of my online IDs the same (except Yahoo, which is of course still in its own [rapidly collapsing] world).

    Surprisingly I have used the same address with my Microsoft Passport/Windows Live/.NET/MSN/XBOX account and have received 0 messages (after initial confirmation). I use that account for so many services, but get no periodic e-mails and have not had to opt-out of anything. Microsoft is less invasive than Google and AOL, isn’t that odd?

  • Without Words, There Is Meaning

    One common problem that is considered in Queer theory is the absence of words to discuss some aspects of life. The vocabulary of life is controlled by dominant forces and therefore minority cases (whether numerical or social minority) are often left without the appropriate forces of language to discuss and therefore give social substance to those minority cases.

    This topic has come to my mind more frequently lately as I think about the nature of the relationship that Chris and I have. We have been together since 2003, in some form or another. I suppose a fair appraisal of the history of our relationship might suggest that it has existed in its present form since 2004, so we have been in this present relationship for about 8 years. In all of that time we have not established any sort of formal name for the relationship and we have no way of referring to each other outside of “boyfriend”. There are aspects of the relationship which would be consistent with that status, but there are also elements of our relationship which is more brotherly. I am less concerned with having a specific title that covers all of the criteria of the relationship and more concerned with the lack of available options. The term “boyfriend” is loaded, especially in a gay context. In a gay context “boyfriend” almost has temporal limitations. In a normative world “boyfriend” lacks the level of seriousness that our relationship has achieved. In some instances there can also be a very adolescent interpretation of it. While Chris and I are both still young, our relationship is not that new and is certainly not temporally limited. In the gay context a popular term is “partner”. That word just annoys me. It is a sexually agnostic term that can mean anything. Chris and I are partners, but I would not use that as a defining point of our relationship. We are partners in a variety of projects ranging from home-improvement tasks (both our own and those of my aunt) to software development. “Partner” just isn’t the right depth of word for my feelings or the relationship that exists. I have seen “husband” used a bit in the gay context as well, both for married and non-married couples. In my state I cannot legally marry, and I don’t know if Chris would marry me if we could. The term certainly has the right severity for the relationship, but comes with the baggage of history from normative culture as well as the modern implications of the term potentially being temporary. While I may ultimately wish that status, it is not something that is an option today and I’m not entirely sure that even if we were married it would be accurate enough for the complexity of the relationship, and the shit that comes with the title from patriarchal systems of power just isn’t worth it.

    I am left without a proper title for the most important person in my life. It is thoughts like these that remind me that I am in a minority situation and that majority culture does not respect me or my relationship.