This week I have snapped at more people than I think I have in my entire life. Usually I can attribute my harsh outburts like the ones this week to some unusual mental occurance. This time I cant, because the cause is way too visible to me. I have become jelous of most people I know. I feel like I am being self-supressed. There are some people who I consider to be superior to me (instructors, Chris, etc) who I don’t have a problem with being more accomplished than me, but people who I consider to be “peer” or below who do more with their lives than I have done make me insanely jelous. At the current time people who have some type of technological superiority (real or implied) and people with jobs are the main components that set me off. The primary person with a job that pisses me off is my father. He has a job and eagerly throws that in my face as often as he can. Other people do it more subtly and don’t get a verbal assult from me as quickly, this would be people like Jake (in CA) and Tim (at UNCC). They don’t realize what they are doing to me emotionally until it is too late. There are yet others who can talk about their work all day long and not bother me, this would be people like Ryan (my lab partner) who don’t gloat and are more laid back than I am. I guess for this problem the best solution is just for me to actually get a job. I have plenty of spare time in which I could work, I just choose not to, because I feel that I can do better on other things in my life without working. This is definately an internal issue that will require some life change to resolve though. I am getting too bored and getting too jelous of people who have jobs and are better at anything than me.
On the more positive side, there is now a plan of action in place for me to complete my MCSE by Marth 4, 2005. Microsoft Exam 70-217 will be scheduled for Thursday, December 9, 2004 at around 2PM. Exam 70-219 (my much feared design exam) will be on some day in January or February, or in the event of me getting behind in my scheduling I will take it on my March 3rd or 4th (my birthday). I don’t know when I will upgrade myself to MCSA and MCSE on Windows 2003, but it shouldn’t be too long after I complete my Windows 2000 certifications. I will likely upgrade MCSA by summer 2005 and not worry too much about MCSE. I have decided to work on my MCSE because I need to focus on something other than purely normal academic stuff. Chris continues to remind me that I am blinded by my education and dreams of doctoral graduation, he is very correct. I let myself get too involved in anything I do. My excentric personality is always what leads me to a dead end. My life isn’t as simple as I try to make it sometimes. I need to spread my mind wider and explore more of my life, not just opperate in tunnel vision all the time.
Paradise is only a state of mind, Chaos is the state of reality.
3 thoughts on “Jelousy and Its Relation to Life Change”
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To be fair. Your post is valid. Yet your plan of action is not. Your jealousy most likely does not stem from the fact that you wish you had a job or had some superior mental intellect. Most likely you are conflicted with the idea of actually taking a risk in your life going for something that you feel is right and that would make you happy… instead of leading a mundane existance of following what other people think or suggest of you. Come out, I say, enjoy your life, take risks. Do what really makes you happy and find yourself instead of going inside your head and writing these insidious words that keep yourself locked up in your own mind and trapped from exploring the world around you.
I can understand being upset, Curt. Lord knows I’ve done the same thing several times. But, honestly, the only way I ever overcame that same problem was through self-confidence and an overall sense of high self-worth. I guess my only advice would be “Be good at what you are good at, with practice you’ll get even better. But leave everything else to others.” In other words, focus on getting that exam and doing well in school, as long as you apply the job will take care of itself.
Hey man sorry I never knew you felt that way I always thought that when you asked how my day was or what I did. That you really want to know.