Things Must Change

In my March 7, 2005 blog entry I discuss eros/love, but several events have lead me to determine that I am not very good at expressing my emotions, especially when it comes to love. Two instances on Wednesday shine brightly as to how bad I am at emotional stuff sometimes. Chris and I went to Best Buy in search of a surge protector for a little project we came up with to do (more on that later), and when checking out I was accused of being unfriendly by the sales clerk. She asked me several questions, to which the answer was “no” (do you have a rewards zone card, do you want 8 months of Sports Illustrated, etc), at this point she made the statement “Well, I won’t even try asking for your phone number”, and I directly asked “Do I come across as being that unfriendly?”, to which she seriously replied “yes.”. That shouldn’t have happened, I should never let anyone think that I have anything less than the best intentions with my interaction with them. In another instance, this time with my long distance friend Oscar, I denied him a phone call because I thought it would somehow ruin my schedule… and somehow be not appropriate. That is total bullshit… I should always be able to make time for people, especially friends and especially when there is a situation where they NEED to talk. I make it a point to tell people who enter my life and gain significance that they can call me whenever they need to talk and that if they have a problem I am here to listen. Well, lately this little policy of mine hasn’t be carried out very well on my end. I should never turn anyone away who needs to talk to me… Im not exactly a psychologist, or even a therapist, but somehow I am usualy able to show people the bright side of things and help them better understand the nature of whatever their problem may be. I have always considered this to be something that I should share freely without hinderance to anyone who needs me. When did my time become so valueble that I can’t make time for someone important?
I am learning that as I get farther away from my high school days, the more cold and robotic I become, this is a proccess which must be reversed if I am to survive socially. People have been joking with me more about “needing to make an appointment with GITI” lately than used to, I didn’t think about this much until now, when I am finally realizing that GITI is controlling my life, and for the moment, the only thing it is giving me is my assignments that are due in the next 15 days… no events on my social calendar seem to exist. To all of you who have experienced this issue with me, or those of you who will experience it in the future – Remind me that I am human and that GITI doesn’t rule my life, I do. Also to you people, read my February 21, 2005 blog entry again, it applies more to you than to anyone and it seems to hold more meaning now, for me at least.