Two days ago was the 12 year anniversary of my grandmother’s death. During the day I conducted myself fairly silently and in a mode of reflection and attempting to resolve the ongoing mourning in my head. Every year on December 4th I have either cried, been depressed or otherwise had problems functioning, much like the morning of her death. On December 4, 1994 my entire world changed. It started with a startled awakening as my mother and cousin entered my room at just after 4am to inform me of the event. It wasn’t a secret that the event was coming, at that time, cancer was almost a certain death. I handled the event gracefully given its severity and the earliness of the hour. I managed to exhibit no signs of weakness or mourning at all at first, staying strong, just as my grandfather was. It wasn’t until my grandmother’s Hospice nurse arrived and began talking to the family that my grandfather and I both reacted at almost exactly the same time. When I tried to calm myself and listen for the big clock in the living room’s excessively loud ticking, which usually comforts me, I found it missing. One of the great ironic events in sourthern tradition, when someone dies the household clock is forced to halt, to bring the family luck and to allow the soul to pass peacefully. Beyond my aunt asking me to go for a walk with her, and finding myself physically unable to I don’t recall much else about the morning.
The other day I decided to repeat my steps of that morning, returning to the same spot at which I froze up 12 years prior. I wasn’t awake at the exact hour it originally happened, but if I would have been I probably would have attempted to repeat it then. I sat down at the point of my original freeze for nearly half an hour to reflect on the day of her death and the things that have happened over the past 12 years. My grandmother was a big influence in my life, and perhaps my role model then, and maybe even now? Like the clock, many things in my life stopped then. I stopped being artistic, creative and my desire to do things outdoors, such as gardening.
After all of this time, and all of my attempts to move forward, I think I have finally managed to get a good start on it.