Am I a good person? Do I care about others? Do I do the harder things in life because its the right thing to do?
Due to a variety of events and emotions lately these things have become questions in my mind. To the first question I answer, no, I don’t think I’m a good person. I used to be a good person and I feel that I have the potential to be again, but it is going to take a lot of effort, starting with making things right with people who have encountered the wrong side of Curtis. Do I care about others? I’m not sure, but I do know that I have compassion for individuals who care about me, but lately, not even those special few have been exempt from having their feelings questioned. Do I always do the right thing? No, usually I do whatever is easiest for me. I started doing that at some point because I was too depressed or busy with other things to take the time to do the right things in my life. My only little bit of hope with this is that I still remember what the right thing is.
My answer to all of this? Start over. I’m going to take everything very slowly in my life for the next few weeks and try to resume relationships from where they were last good (and I guess just try to make peace with those that have been permanently destroyed).
I learned in my Interpersonal Communications course in 2004 that it is normal for people to have a different “presenting self” to everyone they encounter, but I fear that this has gone to an extreme in my life. I am sick of having to interact with everyone differently. Sure, I can interact with my family, out friends, in friends and new acquaintances in different ways, but its time for me to start closing those gaps, everyone in my life needs to know the same person. I don’t like feeling fake, but as long as everyone knows a different person when knowing me, thats all I can be.
I am a man on a mission, a mission to bring myself back into good standing with my friends, my family, and my enemies.