An Interesting Recipe

Write an interesting version of an existing recipe
Today, my young student, you will learn to make a special lasagna. It has four major parts, the red sauce, the bechamel (white sauce), a ricotta filling and then the structural components.
You will need a small bundle of lasagna noodles, two large handfuls of a ground red meat of your choice, a palm of chopped allium cepa, three bulbs allium sativum, a few dribbles of olive oil, three medium love apples (peeled and chopped), a generous pinch of sodium chloride, a small pinch of basil and oregano and a few cracks of ripe peppercorns.
Place the pasta into a pot of dihydrogen monoxide once it has reached 374 degrees kelvin if you are at one atmosphere of pressure. If you are in a situation that causes you to have an irregular pressure, please calculate your proper boiling point based on the assumption that dihydrogen monoxide will boil at the temperature at which the vapor pressure is equal to the relative atmospheric pressure1. At this point you may include sodium chloride in the dihydrogen monoxide if desired. Remove the pasta from the dihydrogen monoxide and sodium chloride compound, and immediately submerge it in dihydrogen monoxide at a temperature near 277 degrees kelvin until all of the other steps have been completed. Preparing the pasta first ensures that all other required compounds remain stable until they can be cooked.
Cook meat, allium cepa and allium sativum in a saute pan until the red pigments fade away, but do not allow the meat to begin turning brown. Use an osmosis process to remove fat. You will then add the remaining ingredients and cook quickly until the sauce is thick. This should take about thirty to forty-five minutes. Preheat baking apparatus to 477 degrees kelvin.
Next you will prepare the bechamel. You will need 118 CC homogenized churned fermented cream, one small hand of ground wheat grain powder, enough bovine lactic fluid to fill a 10cm by 2.5cm cylinder, an equal amount of fowl broth, one cube of fowl bouillon, and an additional small pinch of sodium chloride.
Heat the churned cream slowly until it de-coagulates, then add the wheat powder. Agitate briefly with wire instrument for one minute. Slowly add bovine lactic fluid, fowl broth. Heat to the appropriate point of boil for your atmospheric pressure. Continue agitation with the before mentioned instrument. Perform an oral examination of bechamel, and add boullion and/or sodium chloride if needed.
The final sauce is the ricotta filling. For this filling, you will need the egg of one chicken, 473 CC curdled dairy whey, 225 CC grana curdled cream and a pinch of sodium chloride. Open the egg, and empty its contents into a bowl, agitate briskly. Add the remaining ingredients and agitate slowly.
The last part is the assembly. For this you will need all of the compounds you have composed in the previous steps as well as an additional 1000 CC of grana curdled cream and 473 CC curdled whole bovine milk. Obtain and lubricate a 33cm by 23cm baking dish. Place some meat sauce into the bottom of the dish, just enough to hold the pasta in place. Lay half of the noodles on the sauce, and half of the remaining meat sauce, half of the bechamel, half of the grana curdled cream, half of the curdled whole bovine milk, and half of the ricotta filling. Repeat with the remaining ingredients.
From room temperature, bake at 477 degrees kelvin, uncovered, for 30 minutes or more, until bubbly.