Category: Random Thoughts

Is it worse to be replaced or to be a replacement? In the displacement of one entity for another, is the net effect worth the actual displacement?

Why is it that I feel I must justify everything I do? I added a journal functionality to GITI, and I question myself as to the usefulness of it in the future. I find that I like going back and exploring my past sometimes, shouldn’t that be justification enough? Other times I feel pressure from people outside myself that want justification for why I do things, such as why I have a blog, or why I do or dont want to certain things. Is it not enough for me to just have an opinion?

If Chris can use lyrics to convey his moods in his blog, I can too, my current mood: Rush – Time Stand Still.
I turn my back to the wind
To catch my breath,
Before I start off again
Driven on,
Without a moment to spend
To pass an evening
With a drink and a friend
I let my skin get too thin
I’d like to pause,
No matter what I pretend
Like some pilgrim —
Who learns to transcend —
Learns to live
As if each step was the end
Time stand still —
I’m not looking back
But I want to look around me now
See more of the people
And the places that surround me now
Freeze this moment
A little bit longer
Make each sensation
A little bit stronger
Experience slips away…
I turn my face to the sun
Close my eyes,
Let my defences down —
All those wounds
That I can’t get unwound
I let my past go too fast
No time to pause —
If I could slow it all down
Like some captain,
Whose ship runs aground —
I can wait until the tide
Comes around
Make each impression
A little bit stronger
Freeze this motion
A little bit longer
The innocence slips away…
Summer’s going fast —
Nights growing colder
Children growing up —
Old friends growing older
Experience slips away…

Where do I begin with this… I am discovering that I lack the ability to trust. I want to trust certain people in my life so much, but it seems out of my grasp. I have been telling myself that I trust Chris completely, but apparently that is only under certain circumstances. Any time he and I have an argument I worry that I have ruined the friendship completely and I usually become extreamly worried about the situation, even if it isn’t my fault I find ways that it is my fault and I blame myself for the situation. What I have been told over and over is that Chris won’t leave my life abruptly and that there will be chances for resolution, but somehow I don’t trust that. The other there was a slightly hostile issue while he and I were at a store together, and he told me to leave him alone. To get his attention and possibly get him to talk to me I acted like I was leaving without him. He didn’t even attempt to follow me. How did he know I wasn’t serious? I guess he really trusts my judgement and how much I care about him. I could never just walk away from him, ever, under any circumstances! Tonight was an issue of him just wanting some space, but I find myself sitting here, freaking out because he doens’t want to talk to me. My thoughts once again jumped to me asking myself what I did wrong and what I can do to correct it, but should I really be going to those thoughts? In my enlightened and logical thought proccess I know that everything will be ok and Chris will talk to me again later, but my irrational and highly volitle emotional thought proccess is going immediately to being hurt, upset and seeking some type of resolution.
At the momement my emotional state has changed to feeling abandoned because of issues that came up while I was writing a blog entry that was going to be posted in addition to this, I am having these feelings and I need someone to talk to, but at the moment my mother is asleep and Chris isn’t willing to speak to me, so what am I supposed to do? I guess I really do need more friends who are close to me. I hate feeling like this, I need to talk to someone and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. I don’t know why some people have to be so selfish Maybe I should just go to bed and try to not think about it? But why would I go to bed this early? This sucks, I think I really need to write in a private journal or something instead of writing this here for you brain-dead fuck-tards who don’t give a shit to read.

Ive been wanting to blog about a few things recently, but havent gotten to due to sleep issues, this includes now, when I have just taken melatonin, but we shall see for future dates: