Contemplating Suicide

Ive had thoughts of wanting to kill myself before, but usually because of stress or something else external to me, but now I feel this way for a new reason. I presently feel like I don’t matter to anyone and that all I am capable of doing is causing other people pain. This was extreamly evident tonight (this morning, whatever) when I was experiencing extreame emotional pain and when I turned to a friend to talk about it I was promptly told that he was going to bed and that he wasn’t going to deal with it. This comes after us earlier discussing some things that had occured earlier in the week and he declared that he wasn’t putting any more into the relationship because he felt that I wanted everyone to be there for me when I need them, but me never being around for others when they need me. I can’t argue with him, this has been happening my entire life, no matter how much I want to change this behavior, it is still there. I am a bad person and should not live any longer. I am a waste.

5 thoughts on “Contemplating Suicide

  1. Whoa. Don’t feel that way.
    Nobody’s a waste. Life can just screw you over sometimes and you just gotta keep on going.
    Now, this is cliche’ish, but it does make you stronger. You just got to pick yourself up and keep on going.

  2. what the fuck are you thinking? get your mind right son… and work on some social skills. you have it better than you think, but you ain’t even thinking right

  3. Curtis,
    I am a gay guy too, and Christian. The way you feel is bad, but I think it is a good thing you know where it comes from, and that it is wrong to draw the attention in a relationship to yourself. I love guys, an also felt like killing myself often. I still do, but that comes and goes. I know I mean a lot to many people, and I’m sure you do so too. Besides, killing yourself is a very stupid and weak act. Many dumb people kill themselves, don’t be one of them.
    By the way, you scare me when you say such stupid things. Just take a break, and buy your boyfriend something nice.

  4. Please don’t kill yourself. I’ve tried before too. I’ve attempted hanging myself, cutting, and even stabbing my heart. It just made even more people think I was fuc*ed-up. I’m bisexual leaning mostly towards lesbianism. I really don’t want you to die. You sound like a really nice person, and I’m sure the one you’re with loves you and wouldn’t want you to be gone either. Plus I think that gays are the best people around! Even though lots out there make me feel as if I should die (especially my family, because I am always apparently sinning and causing trouble and going to hell)I’m still out here fighting to live. I believe you can too.
    P.S 😉 I also don’t think you’re a waste, and my girlfriend says that too. She also believes in you and knows that you are a strong man, she says that you shouldn’t listen to the words of those idiots out there because they will never understand you. I agree with this, and we both send you a hug.

  5. Curtis,
    I know you won’t believe me, but I know how you feel. I too have been contemplating suicide this past 3 weeks or so. All I do is lay down all day, I hardly eat, and I can’t sleep. I keep coming up with different plans on how to go about killing myself. I called 1-800-suicide 2 days ago and talked to a nice lady for about 2 hours. They even called me back the next day to check up on me. They were supposed to call again today but haven’t, and that has me down.
    Curtis, I have never had a friend in my life. No one has cared about me. I have many reasons to just end it. The pain is well beyond my ability to cope. I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS, I thought my disability pensions was tax exempt but I recently got a letter from the IRS saying the opposite, I’ve been on disability for 13 years now at only 1,000 a mo and I see no way I can pay back the back taxes and interest and penalties. I have 13 dogs that I love dearly. They are my family and friends. Now my landlord has found out and I have 3 days to get “rid of them”. One of my dogs was euthanized this morning. I was led to believe there was no hope for her but when I got home I researched her illness and found out the prognosis was good that she would survive with surgery or antibiotics. I have gone to that vet for the past 7 years and have paid out 3,000 dollars in vet bills because I love my dogs so much. They are my world. But the vet would not do the 600 dollar surgery w/o payment up front. I asked to make payments and he refused. Now I feel like I let her down, that she died needlessly. It’s an overwhelming pain that I will not be able to overcome…

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