I sit here in my room crying as I look back on the past few months of my life. In just a few weeks I have managed to alienate myself from my friends, exclude myself from family events and almost entirely ignore my academic responsibilities. It is a lonely feeling when you realize there is no one left to turn to because of mistakes you have made, not because you aren’t liked. Several months ago I think I began to lose my connection to reality and float off into my own world isolated from any other people. I have developed a infamously short temper, one which everyone who knows me tries to walk on egg shells to avoid. Lately that temper has not been set off by anger, but by hurt. In the proccess my temper hurts others, and I feel even worse in the end.
Yesterday I made a policy to myself to stop hating myself and to try to find the better qualities of myself and let them shine. Today I tried to use those qualities, only to find myself rejected by my friends in the attempt. I guess they thought I wanted something, or somehow wasn’t sincere in my attempts. It makes me happy to do things for people and to share things I have done with people, but if that gets thrown in my face, then where do I get my happiness?
One of the most burdening of my traits is being gay. I used to be able to talk to my friends about things in that area that bothered me, but my high school friends have been gone for a long time, and my other friends either don’t care, or I am not comfortable enough talking to them. My family has been intentionally left out of things because I rely on them for everything in my life, and because of this, I feel that I can’t really tell them the truth without risking everything in my life. I have become so closed off that my family hasn’t even seen things like my ceramics website, or any of my academic work. In my life I am missing someone who loves me, and someone who cares about things I do. It seems like everyone in my life that I care about either doesn’t care about me, or is already too emotionally damaged themselves to be able to care about me unselfishly. Some people care about me because im useful, reliable or can be used as a shoulder to cry on. Another problem I have had in the past is people being too busy to have someone in their lives with such high emotional needs as I have. Sometimes I feel like I should come with a warning sticker “WARNING – High Maintainance Friend”.
I get sick of all of the fights between myself and my friends, the constant depressed feeling, feeling like I am overly emotional and feeling like I want to kill myself. Tonight I am actually feeling ok, between an encouraging phone call from a friend and expressing things that are bothering me through this entry, I am feeling better. Tonight I avoided the fights by pulling out of the situation and reflecting inward for answers to my problems, I wasn’t depressed because I was too busy looking for happy thoughts, my spare emotions are on this page, and finally I didn’t feel like I wanted to kill myself, not sure why that is, but I guess I found a reason to live.