Removing Myself From Life

I sit here in my room crying as I look back on the past few months of my life. In just a few weeks I have managed to alienate myself from my friends, exclude myself from family events and almost entirely ignore my academic responsibilities. It is a lonely feeling when you realize there is no one left to turn to because of mistakes you have made, not because you aren’t liked. Several months ago I think I began to lose my connection to reality and float off into my own world isolated from any other people. I have developed a infamously short temper, one which everyone who knows me tries to walk on egg shells to avoid. Lately that temper has not been set off by anger, but by hurt. In the proccess my temper hurts others, and I feel even worse in the end.
Yesterday I made a policy to myself to stop hating myself and to try to find the better qualities of myself and let them shine. Today I tried to use those qualities, only to find myself rejected by my friends in the attempt. I guess they thought I wanted something, or somehow wasn’t sincere in my attempts. It makes me happy to do things for people and to share things I have done with people, but if that gets thrown in my face, then where do I get my happiness?
One of the most burdening of my traits is being gay. I used to be able to talk to my friends about things in that area that bothered me, but my high school friends have been gone for a long time, and my other friends either don’t care, or I am not comfortable enough talking to them. My family has been intentionally left out of things because I rely on them for everything in my life, and because of this, I feel that I can’t really tell them the truth without risking everything in my life. I have become so closed off that my family hasn’t even seen things like my ceramics website, or any of my academic work. In my life I am missing someone who loves me, and someone who cares about things I do. It seems like everyone in my life that I care about either doesn’t care about me, or is already too emotionally damaged themselves to be able to care about me unselfishly. Some people care about me because im useful, reliable or can be used as a shoulder to cry on. Another problem I have had in the past is people being too busy to have someone in their lives with such high emotional needs as I have. Sometimes I feel like I should come with a warning sticker “WARNING – High Maintainance Friend”.
I get sick of all of the fights between myself and my friends, the constant depressed feeling, feeling like I am overly emotional and feeling like I want to kill myself. Tonight I am actually feeling ok, between an encouraging phone call from a friend and expressing things that are bothering me through this entry, I am feeling better. Tonight I avoided the fights by pulling out of the situation and reflecting inward for answers to my problems, I wasn’t depressed because I was too busy looking for happy thoughts, my spare emotions are on this page, and finally I didn’t feel like I wanted to kill myself, not sure why that is, but I guess I found a reason to live.

One thought on “Removing Myself From Life

  1. Hello Curtis,
    I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your life feel complete, but we both know that doesnt work……
    Life is full of fun, laughter and also pain, but its the strong person you need to find within yourself that will come out the winner. Maybe you need to sole search for “you” and not someone else to share your life with right now. Everyone wants to be in love and share life with that special someone, but did it ever occur to you, your the most important person in your life? You seem to be a strong person when it counts for everyone else, advise giver, shoulder to cry on, friend etc……where is your someone? That person will come, dont you worry….God has a special person picked out for you, you’ll see. That person will be so lucky to have an “all in one package ” with you. Friend, Lover, Spouse and complete happiness.
    Your a diamond in the rough Curtis. Your life is so worth everything, hang in there.
    I am always here for you, try talking to me…….
    like it or not, I am your family, but more important, someone who WONT judge you.

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