What does Curtis need?

What is it that I need as a person? Why am I always so unhappy? I am happy in the ceramic studio, and in other classes as well. I am happy during the day when I am by myself and there is no one else around. I am not happy when people are around me and they expect me to always come up with things to do, or when I am around people and they refuse to speak. I am sad when I am alone, and find myself needing someone, and reach out for a “friend” and find that either none or there or none wish to interact with me, they are all too busy with other things, or are too busy holding offenses of the past against me. Is that how people in my life wish to punish me, by ignoring me when I need them the most? I know I am fucked up when it comes to interacting with people, and I try to improve where I can, and I try to apologize for my errors, but no one seems to be willing to forgive me, someone they consider to be a friend. Should I accept people in my life who are completely unwilling to forgive me for errors of the past that have not been since repeated? Should I call these people that refuse to interact with me when I need someone the most friends? Maybe I am selfish and should realize that I am not worthy of having people to talk to in those times? I have thought of going out and finding other people who haven’t been exposed to my problematic past, but I feel a certain loyalty to my current friends and would never want to create a situation where I would have to decide between my current friends and my new friends.
Life interacting with other people is confusing.