Like sucks when you are unaccomplished. I have for a long time been easily depressed by my own inadequacies when compared to other people, at some point recently I got over that and am no longer worried about how I compare to other people, because if I spend all of my time trying to develop into the type of person that I happen to be focused on at any particular moment, I will never develop into my own person. I take to jealousy easily still, but I try to not let it bother me too much. My concerns at the moment are related to the fact that I feel unaccomplished by my own standards. I feel that I should have accepted a passion in life at this point and that I should be running toward it, but it seems that as soon as I open myself up to let one of these passions in to be “the one” I begin to experience self-doubt and have anxiety over the idea and find numerous reasons for why that particular passion isn’t valid in my life. I love photography and I desperately wish to pursue it as a career, but yet I am working on a degree in Psychology. Why is this? Shouldn’t I be in a degree track for Art, or perhaps even Journalism? Or do I follow Psychology for another reason? Will learning to understand people help me become a better photographer? I can’t say for sure, but I am going with the degree because it feels right and I should really finish off this whole degree thing so I can move on to bigger things. My difficulty comes from my inability to function completely independently, but yet my resistance to following any type of leadership blindly. In my life I have acquired a lot of knowledge, some of it contradictory to itself, but all of it relevant to a successful life. I have experience in computer science, arts, psychology and a number of other areas, why can I not figure out what works best for me? I hate this feeling that I should constantly be changing things. I want to set out on one course in life and make it work. I want to be a photographer and I want to finish my psychology degree. That is who I want to be. There are other traits I wish to have, but none relevant to the central goal.
I’m not sure I entirely understand this post myself, but I feel like I need clarity in my life. I have a direction I want to go, I have focus for it, but I feel like I am lacking a compass to find the direction I wish to point. Perhaps the answer is in more education? Perhaps not.