Hiding from One’s Self

On this blog there are some things that I avoid mentioning about my life because it is something that somehow doesn’t pass my mind as something that should be public knowledge, but yet with other blogs I read, such things are open and discussable. Maybe I am afraid that someone might read my blog who doesn’t know the information about me (such as family members, etc) and then my interactions with that person might be changed drasticly. My name doens’t exactly blend in to a pool of names, it is very distinct and recognizable.
Perhaps it is time for me to open myself up a little on this blog and just let my purest thoughts pass to it. Of course my more private events would remain private. I can’t live my life fearing what other people think of me. Ive done that for way too long. There are people in my world who try to push me back into my life of being overly self concious, such as Kyle Mulligan. His criticism scares me, his opposition to me enrages me. I can’t let people like him have that type of control in my life.
My bigest problem with me feeling like I am constantly being judged is the fact that I know there is always someone doing it and that they always have a negative opinion. The person is myself. I am usually the quickest to find flaws in myself and want to eliminate them. Last night was a very unusual situation for me. I was sitting here like I do every night, talking to people online and doing other stuff. I was working on some Physics homework. I allowed myself to get over-stressed on the homework and on other thoughts in my mind, at that point I cracked and found every flaw in myself and identified it. From that point forward I began having this disorganized thought pattern. It is very atypical for me to have many thoughts out of sequence or not logically arranged. I began to panic when that happened, most people who are attentive to my online statuses knew it. I have to learn to be less concerned with perfectionism and more open to being a flawed human. In my years before UNCC I was able to handle most things that were thrown at me and theings I couldn’t were flawed in some way. My ideal self (super ego) has been transformed from its high school version of wanting only to be accepted and high achieving, now to its college version which is more perfectionistic than ever. I MUST have an A in all classes, I MUST be present when it is physically possible (exclusion for overrides by my need to be paranoid). In my first 27 hours of college credit I have perfect scores, a 4.0 GPA. I was dealt a swift blow when my 28th – 30th hours were completed with only a B. This displesased my super ego greatly, putting more stress on my ego to excel at everything it does. My question to myself is where is my Id in all of this? Superego is definately accounted for, and the ego obeys superego, where is the Id to throw illogical desires into my life and make me not so perfect and squeeky-clean all the time? Last night I found myself planning a spring trip for hiking in the mountains as a fun and relaxing way for me to enjoy myself with a friend. All of my previous “perfect” role models in high school, Matt Lamb and Guy Broome, primarily, have started social drinking now that they are at college. My primary presenting-self would find great embarrasment in ever doing anything like that. But why? Why I am I not now normal? Can I ever be normal or am I doomed to live this life of needing to be perfect based on my pre-disposed images of perfection.
For “Perfect Curtis” to be achieved the following must exist:

  • Must be in a happy relationship
  • No smoking or drinking
  • No excess induldgences of any type
  • 4.0 GPA (present insituation only, lifetime total is forgiven)
  • A strong core group of friends
  • Hated/Disliked by no one
  • Very little body fat
  • 6 pack abs, formed just right, but not in excess
  • Some sense of style
  • Ability to appear cool and concentrated in all situations
  • Stable job doing something I enjoy
    My own company, loved by my employees, and able to handle any situation that occurs

  • My own house built to my specifications
  • GITI completed to my standards
  • Sufficient knowledge of the world around me
  • The logic of a Vulcan without the ears or coldness
    A lot of this list is obtainable, some of it may never be, but it will all day a large amount of work on my part to make it happen. I am the controller of my own fate for most of it, I just have to do it and push myself forward to attempt to be as close to my ideal self as I can be, but I need to be able to realize that my limits do exist, I have faults, they will pop up occasionally.
    I haven’t performed a life assesment in a long time, since October 2003 (but I still have a copy of it). I think it is time for me to perform another and determine what my life currently looks like on paper (unlike college essays, I can’t bullshit my way out of this one). The assesment, of course, will NOT be public. For those of you not familar with my assesments (everyone except Jeff), they are an itemized bulleted list that states current challenges that I face, my goals and other various aspects of my life that might need to be micro-managed. Once the main bullets are established I add sub-bullets for why the item is a problem, or if it is a goal, the obstacles blocking me from reaching it. I give the items ratings sometimes to help me know their priority and difficulty levels. For me I make the assesments a permenant record in my electronic data, but keep it out of normal view so I dont always have to look at it. It is refreshing for me to be able to go back to the old ones about 6 months after they were written and laugh off the issues I had and sort of be proud of what I have done.
    This started as a blog about me not being very open about some things in my life. I am still not quite ready to do that, but I dont know where I pulled the deviated topic from. Oh well, maybe next time we will explore what REALLY goes on in my head [cue Crickets chirping].