Category: Personal

well.. tonight has been interesting so far, my father and i got off to a great start.
First, I was talking to my mother about my dinner and mentioned that I could prepare my own plate, unlike my father. From across the room he responds with: “kiss my ass you son of a bitch”. A few moments later I go back through the room to get a drink and he adds “get your own god-damned gas”.
How can this man call himself my father? How do parents turn into such monsters?
I shouldn’t have to live in fear in my home, and I shouldn’t feel unwelcome here either. My mother has always been on my side for things like this, but there is only so much she can get involved, since she always feels the need to blame me for things that occur between my father and I.

At the request of… everyone? I am going to try to limit my number of postings from Barnard starting after today. Who knew that me sitting still immediately after class could be so catastrophic?

Do you think of me as a quiet person? When I am around you, do you find yourself asking “what is he actually thinking/feeling?”?
At the moment im realizing that I don’t speak up nearly enough and im not really that social, at least not as social as I should be. In high school I had lots of people around me and I never felt completely alone, I could always find one of my cliques to be with. At UNCC I find myself alone most of the time, I am presently in the place that one year ago I designated as my safe haven, Barnard Computer Labs. I can put myself into the net and not have to come out for anything until its time for my next class, and I don’t have to speak to anyone or do anything requiring interaction. It is a really safe life, but is it what I want? I really want to be more outgoing, but somehow I just can’t push myself over that hill. Me becoming social won’t happen overnight, but I think I might be able to give myself some gentle pushes and try to make (and maintain) contact with people my own age on campus. I was talking to Chris last night and I pretty much discovered that none of my social goals from a year ago were being met. I don’t really understand what has happened. While I was in Mr. Pane’s Interpersonal Communication course, surrounded mostly by adults I was comfortable being slightly outgoing and actually speaking to people. I remember this one woman from the course, Marcia, she could get me to talking faster than anything and her personality could make a British Palace Guard smile and laugh. Why can’t I be like her? Why can’t I be the one who inspires people to come out of their shell and speak? There are a few people who consider me friendly, so shouldn’t that be something I can use to my advantage when trying to fit in? I would love to be able to go to my next class and be able to speak to the person sitting next to me and have a small conversation. Im pretty sure that won’t happen because I am me, but what the hell… Ill give it a try.

“File containing your grades could not be found“. Is there any phrase more scarry coming from an academic records system?

Chris introduced me to this song last night, I love it, and it fits with my overall internal feelings lately.
—
“The Wall”
by Kansas
It’s woven in a fantasy
I can’t beleive the things I’ve seen
The path that I have chosen now
Has led me to a wall
And with each passing day
I feel a little more like something dear was lost
It rises now before me
A dark and silent barrier between
All I am
And all that I would ever want to be
It’s just a travesty
Towering
Marking off the boundaries my spirit
Would erase
To pass beyond is what I seek
I fear that I may be too weak
And those of you who’ve seen it through
To glimpse the other side
The promise land is waiting
Like a maiden that is soon to be a bride
The moment is a masterpeice
The weight of indecision’s in the air
Standing there
The symbol and the sum of all that’s me
It’s just a travesty
Towering
Blocking out the light and blinding me
I want to see
Gold and diamonds cast a spell
It’s not for me, I know it well
The riches that I seek
Are waiting on the other side
There’s more than I can can measure
In the treasures of the love that I can find
And though it’s always been with me
I must tear down the wall and let it be
All I am
And all that I was ever meant to be
In harmony
Shining through
And smiling back at all who wait to cross
There is no loss
Oh

The title says it all….
I went to Concord Mills on Tuesday with no real objective, but for some reason I felt the need to enter Black Lion… not really sure why, it just sort of happened. I had looked at the swords and daggers two weeks ago when I was there, but they hadn’t crossed my mind much again until an unusual series of events occured which lead me to be extreamly drawn to the area where they were, more than just a casual glance this time. I had made a decision that a certain sword was to come home with me, so I went to find the annoying BlackLion employee who had been pestering me most of the evening and had her to open the case and get the sword out for me. After having my ID checked 4 or 5 times the sword was mine and I began asking myself exactly why I purchased it… purchase of fate? purchase of stupidity? purchase of “this thing is so fucking cool”? who knows… anyway, I don’t have any regrets about buying it.

In my March 7, 2005 blog entry I discuss eros/love, but several events have lead me to determine that I am not very good at expressing my emotions, especially when it comes to love. Two instances on Wednesday shine brightly as to how bad I am at emotional stuff sometimes. Chris and I went to Best Buy in search of a surge protector for a little project we came up with to do (more on that later), and when checking out I was accused of being unfriendly by the sales clerk. She asked me several questions, to which the answer was “no” (do you have a rewards zone card, do you want 8 months of Sports Illustrated, etc), at this point she made the statement “Well, I won’t even try asking for your phone number”, and I directly asked “Do I come across as being that unfriendly?”, to which she seriously replied “yes.”. That shouldn’t have happened, I should never let anyone think that I have anything less than the best intentions with my interaction with them. In another instance, this time with my long distance friend Oscar, I denied him a phone call because I thought it would somehow ruin my schedule… and somehow be not appropriate. That is total bullshit… I should always be able to make time for people, especially friends and especially when there is a situation where they NEED to talk. I make it a point to tell people who enter my life and gain significance that they can call me whenever they need to talk and that if they have a problem I am here to listen. Well, lately this little policy of mine hasn’t be carried out very well on my end. I should never turn anyone away who needs to talk to me… Im not exactly a psychologist, or even a therapist, but somehow I am usualy able to show people the bright side of things and help them better understand the nature of whatever their problem may be. I have always considered this to be something that I should share freely without hinderance to anyone who needs me. When did my time become so valueble that I can’t make time for someone important?
I am learning that as I get farther away from my high school days, the more cold and robotic I become, this is a proccess which must be reversed if I am to survive socially. People have been joking with me more about “needing to make an appointment with GITI” lately than used to, I didn’t think about this much until now, when I am finally realizing that GITI is controlling my life, and for the moment, the only thing it is giving me is my assignments that are due in the next 15 days… no events on my social calendar seem to exist. To all of you who have experienced this issue with me, or those of you who will experience it in the future – Remind me that I am human and that GITI doesn’t rule my life, I do. Also to you people, read my February 21, 2005 blog entry again, it applies more to you than to anyone and it seems to hold more meaning now, for me at least.

Woke up this morning and my neck was sore, this aging thing really sucks…. At the moment I have about 38 mintues to go until I am officially 20, but the many people around me found it neccesary to wish me a happy birthday already (you people suck, wait until it’s time). I don’t want to be reminded that it is the 20th aniversary of my entry into this planet when I have to do boring shit like go to Accounting and spent countless minutes wasted sitting here in Barnard Lab doing pretty much nothing. If it weren’t for the Internet and this lab I would be bored out of my mind right now…. or would I? Maybe I would be doing something exciting like perusing the many floors of Atkins Library looking at books on various topics and then sitting and reading small sections for the time I would otherwise have spent idle. Since the Internet exists and I am an addict I can’t really say for certain, maybe if there is an intenet connectivity failure during a time I have to be on campus I might actually figure that out.
I dont feel 20, should I? Recently I have had this little issue of failing to acknowledge certain events, first there was Christmas, I pretty much ignored it until it was time for me to prepare things for that day, and as far as Valentine’s day, well….. whats love got to do with it? Another event I failed to acknowledge, even though there was chocolate and a card waiting for me when I got up that morning. This morning there was no chocolate, but there was a card, I just sort of ignored it… for some reason I suspect that it will follow me to dinner (yes, parents are like retrieving canines, you can burry the thing, but they will always bring it back). I planned today badly, there is too much idle time involved…. I even managed to leave for class on time today (which places me here about 15 minutes early) so I was waiting for Mrs. Yarbrough, then I ended up waiting for Vannessa so that she could sign the project, Chuck got tired of waiting, so he signed the page for her…not sure how that works with the academic integrity policy, but he had good intentions (making sure she got credit for her work, even though she wasn’t there to sign for it). Mrs. Yarbrough finished 11 minutes early (i think she stated this so that she would remember to credit the intangible academic asset account and make the appropriate adjusting entries when she goes over her allocated time). Mrs. Yarbrough’s closing line for the day I found to be somewhat humorous: “Have a good spring break, and don’t do anything stupid”. She states this, but has been mentinoing for the last week that we should spend spring break catching up on our accounting reading, me thinks she contradict herself. Since she finished early, I was early for Calculus, so I spent some time waiting for Mr. Jeong to show up, then the class waiting as a group for the class before us to decide to make their exit, 10 minutes after their time had elapsed. After they left we sat down, took our test and then left one-by-one. I wasn’t very quick in leavning, but still had some time, so I waited Mrs. Scott, there were two students in class. Mrs. Scott gaves us back our test and told us we could leave, so thats how I ended up here. Ironicly, after all this waiting I am going to Economics, where I will do no waiting, she will start as soon as we leave and finish exactly as her time concludes…my kind of woman ;-).
Enough rambling for now, I will head off into the sunset and learn some Econ (or take a solid nap).