I, Curtis

Why is it that when I think I can’t be anymore alone in my feelings and life someone has to go and prove me wrong? It seems like in the past few days the only way people can deal with talking to me is by flying off an electronic cliff or avoiding me by some other method. There is such a difference between knowing people care about me and it being felt. Tonight I had another argument with my father, and my mother made me feel that she cared about me, but my father only stated that he did and didn’t show it at all. Since then my father has gone to sit in his chair and my mother has gone to the basement. I attempted to talk to one of my friends about it, but that sort of fell apart quick, so I am now sitting here in my room writing this to my blog. Is my installation of MovableType the only one who cares?
My father’s excuse for not wanting to talk to me was that I talk over his head, my mother opted to stay out of it, and as for the rest of the world, im sure no one else cares to hear about it, so I leave it as this blog entry with only my feelings of being abandoned and being wholely alone, nothing more.
Sometimes faking happy is just too hard. I don’t want to do it any more, I just want my life to correct itself and everyone around me be happy. I don’t want to grow up just yet, im not ready for it. I am not ready for my life as it is even, sometimes im not sure I am ready to be human yet.
My life sucks and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

Sometimes in life there comes a time when it will be necessary to override part of the self for the greater good of the entire self as well as the entire body.
For those of you not familar with Freudian structuralism theory, the self is composed of an ego (presenting personality and equalizer), id (natural desire) and super ego (an “ideal” self representation).
It has become painfully clear that my superego wants me to take as many credit hours as possible and maybe find a way to take more above the 18 hour limit. My ego is not that ambitious and is more lazy. I have to obey the ego and id only in this situation, the superego can have no bearing on my decision for courses for spring, it has done enough damage.
My super-ego is my representation of perfection or somewhere close to it, basicly the best Curtis I can be, which in this case has me ending as being “Dr. Curt” before year 2010. If I am going to fulfil that self I need to gain a lot of motivation really quickly. I don’t really want to have a PhD for any special reason, just to have it, to say that I accomplished something in my life.
In addition to scheduling courses besed on the super ego I have also been using criteria of what is “safe”. Courses that I might not excel at, such as anything with the prefix “MATH”. So instead of taking a major with some MATH courses that could potentially be fun and harmless I went with the major with lots of boring business courses. I avoided FBLA in high school as much as I could, but now im essentially running to the business brats because im a little scared of MATH and STAT courses. This isn’t how my life should be. I should be in the major I want to be in, the one I know I will love, without fear of the few math courses that I need, its not like I have to have something stupid like Differential Equations. I can deal with MATH courses that have “Linear” in the title, things like “Exponential”, “Complex” and “Advanced” scare me, but my major of choice doens’t require any of those, just a few simple programming-related MATH courses and one STAT course (I enjoyed high school statistics, i think i can handle it). There is no reason for me to run from math anymore. I took Deductive Logic partially to familarize myself with formal thinking, which is helpful in many forms of math. On this early January morning I declare a challenge to my super ego; I challenge thee to take on the obstacles and to overcome them to succeed in fulfilling the dreams of the ego which thou serves.
There is no need for me to take an 18 hour or more course load to accomplish my goals in a timely fasion. I am still young, I have many good years ahead of me to deal with my goals and make my dreams come true, but if I let a few courses stand in my way I will never be happy.

This so far has been one shitty year. After a nice new year’s eve and fairly fun new year’s morning I headed home from Chris’s house at 7:15AM, on highway 49 a minor issue occured, the vehicle seemed to be exhausting excessively, this was thought to be the case until stopping at a stoplight and realizing that the vehicle was approaching upper-level engine warmth. Luckily I kinda had a disaster plan in my head for such an occurance, and I knew the correct location to stop at, I went to the next light, University City Blvd and Pavillion where I landed my ass at a very cozy gas station/cafe. Now me being the gay guy that I am, I managed to find the cleanest, most hospitible gas station on earth. However, this station does not include things like emergency auto-parts, fluids, etc. I woke up yesterday at noon, and I seem to still be ok, so I will forego sleep again for now, until later tonight, like a week ago, except about 5 hours less awake time. For those of you better with chrono-lists, here it is:
7:30AM – problem detected
7:35AM – distress signal sent
8:00AM – supplies gathered, rescue team dispatched
8:42AM – Rescue team arrives at my location
9:15AM – Vehicle repairs complete, depart for home
10:03AM – Arrival at home
Now, for the fun part of this story. The problem was a hose that my father knew needed replaceing and he even had the part, but neglected to install it for whatever reason. So, he pretty much risked the car, my life and my sanity by being so fucking lazy! His inaction is unacceptable! I can understand if there was an issue I neglected to inform him about, but he is always kept apprised of issues with the vehicle, even when they are just in my head.

I just spent a few minutes thinking about the way my digital pen perceieves the world. It is really an intersting device in the way it sees our world, things it writes and the passage of time.
When laying dormant on my desk or in its cradle the pen experiences the world like any other pen. When the cap is off and the pen is writing on normal paper it knows it is active, but doesn’t have any sense of where it is or what it is doing. On specially encoded paper the pen knows where it is at all times and can record exactly what it writes without fail. If I move to another notebook and turn to the same page number and continue writing, the pen thinks it is still on the same page and hasn’t changed notebooks, unless the “change notebook” block is checked in the front of the book first. With the simple action of letting the pen touch that box in the notebook it marks itself as changing books and the page number becomes valid again, it is a remarkable device. I have 4 digital notebooks in the house now, but I can only use one at a time without confusing the pen, however, the pen’s software on my primary desktop computer can take something I write in the subject box and know instantly how to place it in my electronic notebook, so again, a really useful device. I think the pen will be quite helpful in my academic life for taking notes and maybe even for taking care of certain assignments. Can anyone see me doing Calculus homework with this pen? I expect that I will have more electronic records of my homework, notes, etc than was even possible before.
I have given thought to creating a paper form for my own use and getting it printed with a unique dot-code pattern in it like the digital notesbooks have, it could be interesting, but somehow I expect that would be excessive.
The pen views the world quite blindly, knowing all it knows from its dot patterns and the motion of my hand across the page. This is perhaps the most simple-minded technological device I own, but it kicks ass!

In a few hours (45 hours) it will be January 2005 and we will have ended another year of human existance, a year of goals accomplished, some not accomplished and a lot of new memories being written.
In 2004 I accomplished a few things in my life:

There are many feelings I can tollerate, supress or somehow alternatively deal with, feeling unwanted isn’t one of them. This evening my father sent a pretty clear signal that he didn’t want me living here anymore, the simple line of “I want you to move out” would be the key indicator of me not being wanted anymore. People selectively disconnect from each other and move on all the time, I personally have only done it a few times, and never with family. How could a father, my father, want his only son to move out? Am I that hard to deal with? Do I cause that much of a problem? My mother assures me that I am allowed to live here as long as she does, but somehow I get the feeling that there is a secret about me that neither of them knows that would even change her mind. Could my father possibly know my secret? Has he been listening at my door to my phone calls? I don’t know and I don’t really care at the moment. At the moment I am focused on this feeling of being unwanted, and finding this internal need to seek stability and establish my own life independant of my parents. I just can’t let myself be exposed to my uncaring father every day of my life, it isn’t healthy for me. I wish I could bring back the days of my youth when I didn’t worry about things like having to leave my home, or people not liking me. How can this be my life? How could I have changed this much?
Addendum – December 30, 2004: Father has recalled the statement.