Category: General Life

For the past year I have been a student at UNCC, and I have been away from my high school friends for nearly 18 months. During high school towards the middle of my senior year various teachers were telling the seniors as a whole “enjoy the time you have together, for after you graduate, you will likely never see anyone from high school again”. I originally doubted this and I guess went into a self-generated dilousion that through some miracle all of the Highland people would remain in constant contact, but unfortunately that hasnt been the case. I guess I should have realized when Mr. Hudson said it that it wasn’t bullshit. At the current time the only person from high school I really interact with is Guy Broome. Guy wasn’t really around me much in high school, but now he is, its kind of strange. I haven’t seen Matt Lamb in like forever, same with Jeff, although ive talked to him some and he still takes an interest in my life on occasion. Other than these few people, I don’t really have the opportunity to talk to any of my class anymore. Looking back on my senior year, I spent more time hiding from the fact that things were ending than I did on anything else. During senior year I spent a lot of spare time at Highland working with the network and various other things that didn’t really matter all that much, but I wasn’t with people. I spent more time saying goodbye to the building and the technology than I did to the people. In addition to spending time away from people, I also spent time in class at Gaston College, getting a jumpstart on my education, or perhaps just a jumpstart on being alone. Funny thing is, I think I spent more time getting to know the people at Gaston College more than I have tried getting to know people at UNCC. Towards the end of the last semester at Highland I decided to write lettrers to everyone I cared about, but I didn’t make it very far on my list. I only manged to get the letters to Jeff and Matt Lamb written, no one else got one, except Mr. Frost, who got one because I went back during the summer.
Now that I have been at UNCC for a year, I excepted that I would have developed some sort of social network, but I somehow managed to not do that. For the first time since I graduated from high school I have actually started making friends again, very slowly, but still, its progress. I have met one person who is extreamly interesting, but he is a lot more socially active than I am, and I feel really weird when I tell him that I don’t want to do stuff. I really wish I could be a lot more like him, but its not in my personality to be that outgoing. Hes the type of person who goes clubbing, dancing and goes to parties. I wouldn’t mind going to clubs or dancing, but I think I draw the line at going to college parties. That is just absolutely not me. I want to be more socially open, but going from anti-social to party-animal could be too much of a shock to myself, my existing friends and the fabric of space-time in general. Lewis has noted that I am a “nerd”. ok, where is the news flash item here? of course I am, I would prefer to index my book collection than go out and interact with living, breathing fleshy humans any day. For my life to be stable and happy I do need to seek the occasional additional person to add to my social network, but I need people more like me. People I frequently interact with sometimes worry that I wont have time for when when I interact with others, but the situation is really the opposite, I presently do very little with my time and am availible a lot, I just always seem busy. Adding people to my life is likely to make me more human-focused instead of being project-focused. My social network isn’t what it was in high school, and I consider this a good thing. I need people in my life who are able to accept me for who I am and not judge me based upon some sort of predisposed opinion that they conjured up through a confusing set of adolescent influences.

I don’t know what has been happening to me lateky, but I can’t seem to focus on anything. I have been bouncing between tasks constantly. I have like 5 uncompleted blog entries waiting in my content management system, the topics vary greatly, from my new friend Lewis to my decision to generate a library-like record system for my media (books, DVDs, CDs, etc). I feel like I am in a state of emotional and psychological limbo. I seem to have lost my passion for most things that I enjoy, but instead of spent hours and hours looping through various things ending up with little to no results. The one thing that does seem to calm me a bit lately is talking to my friends on the phone and focusing on the conversations. Its because of times like this that I wish I would have designed GITI with accessibility features for people with A.D.D. (Attention Defficit Disorder). In the current situation I am rotating through assignments on GITI and not focusing at all, and anything that takes any amount of focus is being put off. Last night I wanted to accomplish something in addition to my Discreet Structures homework (which I found out is now not due until Wednesday), so I started going throught he list of assignments in the list, nothing appealed to me, so I went to the expanded list and I finally ended up doing something for my web-based application development course. Part of my inability to focus is coming from a current aversion to things that are somewhat unfamilar or challenging (such as Case Study reports for my liberal studies course). I even tried working on a C++ lab, something I usually find to be a fun form of challenging, but found myself getting totally frustrated, so we background that task and find something else to do. I recently purchased a Recreational Mathematics book and found myself unable to wrap my brain around a paradoxial story of logical deduction, what is up with that? I ALWAYS love a good logical paradox! I have not been very social lately, but this shouldn’t come as a suprise I guess. I fear social interaction, I fear being noticed, I fear change.
In addition to feeling not focused, I also feel like I don’t have enough to actually do, so im having to create things to do. I dont feel enough pressure from academics and im bored with stuff I have availible to do. I love doing ceramic stuff, but I haven’t really felt much inspiration to go to the wheel to do a lot lately. I want to go back to doing like multiple pieces per week and finding ways of making each piece unique (the reason i will never make a set of something, sets are dull).

well.. tonight has been interesting so far, my father and i got off to a great start.
First, I was talking to my mother about my dinner and mentioned that I could prepare my own plate, unlike my father. From across the room he responds with: “kiss my ass you son of a bitch”. A few moments later I go back through the room to get a drink and he adds “get your own god-damned gas”.
How can this man call himself my father? How do parents turn into such monsters?
I shouldn’t have to live in fear in my home, and I shouldn’t feel unwelcome here either. My mother has always been on my side for things like this, but there is only so much she can get involved, since she always feels the need to blame me for things that occur between my father and I.

At the request of… everyone? I am going to try to limit my number of postings from Barnard starting after today. Who knew that me sitting still immediately after class could be so catastrophic?

Do you think of me as a quiet person? When I am around you, do you find yourself asking “what is he actually thinking/feeling?”?
At the moment im realizing that I don’t speak up nearly enough and im not really that social, at least not as social as I should be. In high school I had lots of people around me and I never felt completely alone, I could always find one of my cliques to be with. At UNCC I find myself alone most of the time, I am presently in the place that one year ago I designated as my safe haven, Barnard Computer Labs. I can put myself into the net and not have to come out for anything until its time for my next class, and I don’t have to speak to anyone or do anything requiring interaction. It is a really safe life, but is it what I want? I really want to be more outgoing, but somehow I just can’t push myself over that hill. Me becoming social won’t happen overnight, but I think I might be able to give myself some gentle pushes and try to make (and maintain) contact with people my own age on campus. I was talking to Chris last night and I pretty much discovered that none of my social goals from a year ago were being met. I don’t really understand what has happened. While I was in Mr. Pane’s Interpersonal Communication course, surrounded mostly by adults I was comfortable being slightly outgoing and actually speaking to people. I remember this one woman from the course, Marcia, she could get me to talking faster than anything and her personality could make a British Palace Guard smile and laugh. Why can’t I be like her? Why can’t I be the one who inspires people to come out of their shell and speak? There are a few people who consider me friendly, so shouldn’t that be something I can use to my advantage when trying to fit in? I would love to be able to go to my next class and be able to speak to the person sitting next to me and have a small conversation. Im pretty sure that won’t happen because I am me, but what the hell… Ill give it a try.