I sit here in my room crying as I look back on the past few months of my life. In just a few weeks I have managed to alienate myself from my friends, exclude myself from family events and almost entirely ignore my academic responsibilities. It is a lonely feeling when you realize there is no one left to turn to because of mistakes you have made, not because you aren’t liked. Several months ago I think I began to lose my connection to reality and float off into my own world isolated from any other people. I have developed a infamously short temper, one which everyone who knows me tries to walk on egg shells to avoid. Lately that temper has not been set off by anger, but by hurt. In the proccess my temper hurts others, and I feel even worse in the end.
Yesterday I made a policy to myself to stop hating myself and to try to find the better qualities of myself and let them shine. Today I tried to use those qualities, only to find myself rejected by my friends in the attempt. I guess they thought I wanted something, or somehow wasn’t sincere in my attempts. It makes me happy to do things for people and to share things I have done with people, but if that gets thrown in my face, then where do I get my happiness?
One of the most burdening of my traits is being gay. I used to be able to talk to my friends about things in that area that bothered me, but my high school friends have been gone for a long time, and my other friends either don’t care, or I am not comfortable enough talking to them. My family has been intentionally left out of things because I rely on them for everything in my life, and because of this, I feel that I can’t really tell them the truth without risking everything in my life. I have become so closed off that my family hasn’t even seen things like my ceramics website, or any of my academic work. In my life I am missing someone who loves me, and someone who cares about things I do. It seems like everyone in my life that I care about either doesn’t care about me, or is already too emotionally damaged themselves to be able to care about me unselfishly. Some people care about me because im useful, reliable or can be used as a shoulder to cry on. Another problem I have had in the past is people being too busy to have someone in their lives with such high emotional needs as I have. Sometimes I feel like I should come with a warning sticker “WARNING – High Maintainance Friend”.
I get sick of all of the fights between myself and my friends, the constant depressed feeling, feeling like I am overly emotional and feeling like I want to kill myself. Tonight I am actually feeling ok, between an encouraging phone call from a friend and expressing things that are bothering me through this entry, I am feeling better. Tonight I avoided the fights by pulling out of the situation and reflecting inward for answers to my problems, I wasn’t depressed because I was too busy looking for happy thoughts, my spare emotions are on this page, and finally I didn’t feel like I wanted to kill myself, not sure why that is, but I guess I found a reason to live.
Category: General Life
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Removing Myself From Life
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Inspiration from the Past
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest! if you must – but never quit.
Life is queer, with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won if he’d stuck it out;
Stick to your task, thought he pace seems slow-
You may succeed with one more blow.
Success is failure turned inside out-
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt –
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit –
It’s when things seem worst that you musn’t quit.
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I remembered hearing this poem in 7th grade, from a substitute teacher, Mrs. Tweedy Stewart. This evening when I found myself in need of inspiration I thought about this poem and through the magic of Google, I found it. There is no known author, but somehow I will always remember it the way that Mrs. Stewart spoke it. -
Vulnerability As A Tool For Emotional Experience
Tonight I’ve been doing some thinking about emotions and the way they relate to physical conditions. There is something I have noticed about men who have very thick emotional walls (especially ones who have been hurt), it seems that the only way in to this shell is to do it physically. I have a friend who doesn’t really express emotions at all, and doesn’t really recieve them either. I feel such distance from him talking on the phone or talking in person from a distance or in public, but lift his shirt and tickle him a bit and as the vulnerability of the situation sets in, emotions start to flow, the shell comes down for a short time. Any amount of touching that occurs after this seems to bring out even more ability to see emotion and react to it with emotion. I have noticed this with myself as well, it seems that when I am standing around in nothing but my briefs (handcuffs optional), I tend to loosen up and actually say whats on my mind instead of playing all of the bullshit to make things “flow smoother” in a situation.
if (tequilla MAKES her clothes fall off) and (tequilla LOWERS inhibitions) and (vulnerability LOWERS inhibitions) then (standing naked in the rain MUST be a valid tequilla substitute)
therefore, people who drink to “relax” really just need to be captured, stripped and tied down until they relax and express their inner thoughts.
WARNING: theory written in a silly and kinda not all here state of mind. -
Cured at Last
Cured at Last…
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked,
“What was your most difficult case?”
The other replied, “I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed
that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day
long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never
did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this
fantasy uncle. I worked with this man for eight years.”
“What was the result?”
“It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him.
And then that damn letter arrived!”
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I decided to share this joke with my blog readers, as in some twisted way it relates to a recent event in my life (only I had to wait 3 years, not 8). Also a reminder that those of us in a fantasy world aren’t always wrong 😉 -
Its Been A While
Ive been off hiding from my world again, so it may take me a bit of time to catch up on blogging, but I fully intend to make 2006 a more full blog year than 2005 was. I have a lot to talk about, my classes, my hobbies, my ever changing academic situation (there is consideration for an additional minior), my GITI’s development, my progress with losing weight and “beefing up” and many other topics.
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What do you do when there is no road?
Today on my way to class I ran into some road work on the ramp exiting from I-85, on one side of the ramp there was the usual “Right Lane Ends – 1000 Feet”, on the other side a temporary “Left Lane Closed – 1000 feet”. As a driver on a 2 lane ramp, how should I interpret this?
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Not Much
New Entry to the “New Curtis Dictionary”
Not Much – standard response given to “what are you up to?”. This statement is not to be taken literally, but is a placeholder responses when the present activity is determined to be not worthy of mention, or is dull. -
The Stockings Were Hung….
The stockings were hung by the replica statue of David with care, in hopes that his nuts would not be too visible in the cold winter air.
Making sure things are hung for Christmas seems to be the easy part of things, the more challenging is arranging a holiday event that is consistent with the goals of the season. This means that I need to coordinate food, music, my mood and other things to work well with each other, as well as with some sort of “seasonal protocol”. Food is by far the hardest though, everyone has such delicate tastes this time of year. Then there are the people who are allergic to everything, certain measures must be made to accomodate them. Food seems to be such a huge part of culture. It isn’t easy to find things seasonal that taste good. The most “typical” Christmas dessert is fruit cake, but no one likes it and no one under 70 eats it (for those Alton Brown fans out there, yes it is Good Eats when it is done properly, but I mean the typical brick variety).
So far for tommorrow I have completed:
Arctic S’mores
Oatmeal Chocolate Cookies (the gooey kind)
Spice Cakes (6 pecan caramel glazed, 3 walnut caramel glazed)
Yule Log
Chilli (C/O Dad)
Bagguette (got to love bakerys :-D)
Nog (premade, yeah, i suck)
The items still to be prepared are:
The Soups (potatoe and veg)
Wassail (base only, accessories are ready)
Tea, Coffee, Hot Chocolate (to be brewed moments before guests arrive)
Warm Apple Cider
My aunt seems to think I am crazy for doing the stuff im doing, but I think I am doing quite well to this point.
One question I am still trying to answer is when I am supposed to sleep, the past few days I have already been on an inverse cycle and today I ended up sleeping on the couch waiting for my mom to be ready to help me with the Yule log, which resulted in me running to bed for a few hours. At the moment I am sitting here wondering how I will handle my commitments of the evening and still manage to sleep a sane way, since I am supposed to be functional at 6am (I should only require 4 hours of sleep since I have completed a 4 hour cycle already).
I love this time of year, I just am not certain of my physical or mental health after. Last year I did this and pulled off 40 hours of continuous up time. I am not quite stable enough to do that this year, I see napping in my futures. -
Fighting Against Familial Divisibility
My family drives me so nuts sometimes! Today I found out that there is a competetion in place between my anual Christmas event at home and my cousin’s arrival in Myrtle Beach. My event has been planned unofficially for almost a year, but officially for a few months. I have done everything short of sending out paper invitations to alert my family that they are to gather at my house on December 25th at 5:00PM. That date and time has been delegated to me for my use with the family. My cousin who lives in San Franciso, CA has decided to fly in next weekend instead of this weekend, and has also decided that he doesn’t wish to make the long trip (3.25 hours) from Myrtle Beach to Charlotte to come to my event. It is unfortunate that physically distant relatives get priority in this family (I blame it on the fact that there has never been a physically distant member before). It would appear that I have a lot of family members on my side for the event, but also some feel a loyalty towards my cousin. Some people in my family want me to move the event to December 24th at 5:00, but I am fairly decided in my time and I don’t plan to let myself be manipulated by their confusion. One of the fun things about my event is that it is my event, no act of committee can make the event float across time and space, as it can with all of the others. I suppose another factor on my side is the act of committee that is required to coordinate the pilgramige to Myrtle Beach, with the division and indecision it will not be possible for a conclusion to be reached and it is likely that either the deciding bodies will opt to remain on the original plan with my event, or a representative body will be sent to Myrtle Beach and the rest will be with me. Family politics are a lot of fun when im not involved in them :-/ I suppose its time for me to send an email to my aunt who is attempting to coordinate the Myrtle Beach thing and see if I can get her to work with me on a plan of action that will make sure that both of our events occur without a problem. I guess for once I have a reason to like the republicans in my family (primarily my aunt in Charlotte and grandfather who are strickly opposed to travelling out of state on Christmas and wish to honor their commitment to me).
