Category: General Life

Two days ago was the 12 year anniversary of my grandmother’s death. During the day I conducted myself fairly silently and in a mode of reflection and attempting to resolve the ongoing mourning in my head. Every year on December 4th I have either cried, been depressed or otherwise had problems functioning, much like the morning of her death. On December 4, 1994 my entire world changed. It started with a startled awakening as my mother and cousin entered my room at just after 4am to inform me of the event. It wasn’t a secret that the event was coming, at that time, cancer was almost a certain death. I handled the event gracefully given its severity and the earliness of the hour. I managed to exhibit no signs of weakness or mourning at all at first, staying strong, just as my grandfather was. It wasn’t until my grandmother’s Hospice nurse arrived and began talking to the family that my grandfather and I both reacted at almost exactly the same time. When I tried to calm myself and listen for the big clock in the living room’s excessively loud ticking, which usually comforts me, I found it missing. One of the great ironic events in sourthern tradition, when someone dies the household clock is forced to halt, to bring the family luck and to allow the soul to pass peacefully. Beyond my aunt asking me to go for a walk with her, and finding myself physically unable to I don’t recall much else about the morning.
The other day I decided to repeat my steps of that morning, returning to the same spot at which I froze up 12 years prior. I wasn’t awake at the exact hour it originally happened, but if I would have been I probably would have attempted to repeat it then. I sat down at the point of my original freeze for nearly half an hour to reflect on the day of her death and the things that have happened over the past 12 years. My grandmother was a big influence in my life, and perhaps my role model then, and maybe even now? Like the clock, many things in my life stopped then. I stopped being artistic, creative and my desire to do things outdoors, such as gardening.
After all of this time, and all of my attempts to move forward, I think I have finally managed to get a good start on it.

My GITI journal has large gaps in time and lots of changes in format, the blog misses a lot of major events and isn’t that accurate because of the fact that it is outward facing. I am having a hard time opening up fully to either myself in my personal journal in GITI or my public blog (friends?). I don’t like the closed person I have become.

I just got back from a week of taking care of my cousin’s dog, Boscoe. It felt so good to have a creature to take care of and interact with. I often get very lonely (and bored) when I am by myself and have nothing to play with. One of the best things about Boscoe is how much he likes cheese, its a common interest which runs deeper than some interests I have with some of my friends sometimes. It would be really cool to have a puppy around. I have been around dogs all my life, but have been directly responsible for none of them. Boscoe was a first in that area. As I think back on the past week I remember all of the fun, annoyances and just silly shit about it, but im a bit sad because its all over so soon. Watching Boscoe hop in the back of my cousin’s SUV when he returned was a quick reminder that I functioned only as a temporary substitute.

The heart is a swirling mass of conflicting emotions. Flowing between self-preservation, caring for people who are special in our lives and the decision proccess that often falls between those two places. One must find the proper balance between the two to have a happy life. Humans are socially dynamic, which creates a situation where it isn’t always possible to maintain the same people throughout one’s life. Friends often pull apart because of a social distance that is formed when the friends begin to develop independant (im starting to hate that word) interests and begin to grow in personality in different directions. Friendships are as fragile as the weakest personality in them. When that weakness is added to something like a loss of trust in a friendship, then the friendship will likely hang in uncertainty until the friendship quietly vanishes, or things improve and the friendship rebuilds itself. I find myself presently at this uncertainty, and wish I had a bit of guidance. As I think of what form such guidance might take I realize all of the offers I have had from my network of friends asking me to talk to them when I have problems. This situation I believe is beyond the abilities of that network, I think at the moment the only thing that will help me is having a strong conversation with the friend and determining where things stand. It is never easy losing friends, it is much more noble to rebuild and not let differences ruin what has been so good for so long. It now occurs to me now that perhaps the problem is not with the friendship, but with the “rules of interaction”. Since we have changed, perhaps the friendship has to change as well to accept the new dynamic.