Ive had thoughts of wanting to kill myself before, but usually because of stress or something else external to me, but now I feel this way for a new reason. I presently feel like I don’t matter to anyone and that all I am capable of doing is causing other people pain. This was extreamly evident tonight (this morning, whatever) when I was experiencing extreame emotional pain and when I turned to a friend to talk about it I was promptly told that he was going to bed and that he wasn’t going to deal with it. This comes after us earlier discussing some things that had occured earlier in the week and he declared that he wasn’t putting any more into the relationship because he felt that I wanted everyone to be there for me when I need them, but me never being around for others when they need me. I can’t argue with him, this has been happening my entire life, no matter how much I want to change this behavior, it is still there. I am a bad person and should not live any longer. I am a waste.
I’m Breathing
For any of you who tried to wake me from my smei-comatose sleep earlier: I am alive and breathing, there is no need to worry.
Lack of Images on Blog?
Do I use enough images on my blog or would more be better? In the past few weeks I have only used like 2 images, the one of the two cute guys kissing and the one of Grace Hopper, only one of which probably actually appealed to any number of my readers (although, they are probably in the majority of my readers).
Maybe I should include more images of things in my life and just overall make the blog more image based? Since the MovableType/Plugin upgrade problem I have been lacking the image portion of my blog and I haven’t bothered to restore it yet (and probably wont until i configure it to not be in the same folder as the blog). I want to have an image portion again as well as provide more photographic evidence of the fact that I am alive, but im just not entirely sure how to incorporate it all.
Comments to this entry would be helpful I think.
Fortifying the Castle Walls and Preparing for Armed Assault
MY FAMILY IS COMING! MY FAMILY IS COMING!
My mother went into surgery this morning and will be taking the next few days to recover. In most situations I would be delighted to have my mother around for a few days, but in this case… it comes with a price of aunts, uncles, cousins and many more of the fleet coming to visit CONSTANTLY! So far I know of a cousin coming tomorrow, and the aunt I don’t like (that has become her official title) will be coming Saturday. In addition to this lovely news I expect that a few dozen family members will “drop by” for “a few minutes” each and every day until my mother has fully recovered. My plans for the week including going into my room (with my pottery wheel), moving either my desk or a few bags of clay (25# each) in front of the door, then turning up my stereo to a fairly high mark and trying to forget that my family is around. Did I mention that as a bonus to the nutsness as it is already, my father has decided to take “a few days” off from work?
I like my family, but they are much better in small quantities. Anyone know of any good techniques for running off spare family members? Better yet, would anyone like to borrow a few family members?
This event should make studying for my philosophy exam and doing assignments for other classes a little more of a challenge.
| Sanity Status: |
Creativity of an Artist
An artist who doubts his own abilities is cripled and may no longer be worthy of being called an artist in his field. Art survives only though a melding of passion and grace. Creativity is bread by passion, it is focused by grace.
The Greatest Reward
Sometimes the only way for me to define my emotions is to look at the music im listening to and try to interpret from there. In this case, my mood is sporatic, but I keep loosing myself in Celine Dion – The Greatest Reward. I feel such loneliness sometimes, but somehow this song makes me happy and I feel less alone, and perhaps even hopeful.
—
So suddenly, so strange
Life wakes you up, things change
I’ve done my best, I’ve served my call
I thought I had it all
So suddenly, so strong
My prejudice was gone
You needed me, I found my place
I’m different now, these days
Now the greatest reward
Is the light in your eyes
The sound of your voice
And the touch of your hand
You made me who I am
You trusted me to grow
I gave my heart to show
There’s nothing else I cherish more
I stand by you for sure
Now the greatest reward
Is the love that I can give
I’m here for you now
For as long as I live
You made me who I am
So suddenly, it’s clear to me
Things change
Our future lies in here and now
We made it through somehow
Now the greatest reward
Is the love that I can give
I’m here for you now
For as long as I live
You made me who I am
You made me who I am
– Celine Dion – The Greatest Reward
Stupid People
OK, got a truely original comment to the blog today.
[Can’t you say, “That’s so stupid,” instead of that’s so “gay?”
I mean, you use the word “gay” like it’s a bad thing.]
This is in relation to the previous blog entry about Guy’s quote. First of all, as you will see, this person was a total coward, using a fake email address as well as using the name “Me”. Second, I wasn’t using “gay” negatively, I was refering to the level of homosexual-specific activity Guy was participating. Guy is by no means stupid, he is a very intelligent person, anyone who can speak Gaelic and about 10 other lagnuages would never by considered stupid by me.
One little comment for the prick who had the need to comment with his head up his ass, “gay” was originally used to mean happy, and now is used for either that or describing homosexuals. There is more to “gay” activies than male-to-male anal sex. If you wish to communicate with me further about this topic, feel free to email me, or comment again, this time with your real email address.
I welcome comments to my blog, but only under 1 condition, they MUST be about the blog entry itself, not the title.
Thats So Gay
Another hillarious comment from Guy:
” I was in there [gay book store] because me and my friends had a few minutes to kill between leaving the gay coffee shop and going to the gay dance club”
Happy Birthday Oscar!
Happy birthday to a very good friend of mine, Oscar. Enjoy it and don’t let Rita blow you away!
RFC 4144
Anyone out there feel out of the loop? Maybe even shy? The IETF has the solution for you!
Today the RFC editor released RFC 4144 – “How to Gain Prominence and Influence in Standards Organizations”. The document reads like a college of business text book. While the document is sound, it has no technical merit for which to earn a place in the great document series. Postel’s law states “be conservative in what you send”, but DAMN! PEOPLE GET A LIFE! Jon Postel didn’t need this type of a document to get people involved, he was just friendly and outgoing, he made contact with the newcomers, where has the IETF’s spirit for welcoming the noobs gone? (if anyone replies ICANN, I will hurt them). It is very important to get involved in Internet standards organizations if you care about the path that this great network takes, but find your own way, a way that works for you, not the path the author of this draft took. Embrace the organizations for what they are, if you work hard and are friendly you will get far in any organization. One day you could be chatting up in IRC with the big guys about something, and the next day you could be developing their plugin delievery mechanism (yes, im still jelous about that :-P).
Joyce, Sandy, please, retract this document and hold it for 1 April 2006. (Yes, its really that bad).
If you wish to read this fine piece of work and pass your own judgement on whether or not it is suitable for the RFC series, please feel free to grab your free copy from servers of the hardworking people at the IETF/IESG and RFC Editor. http://ftp.rfc-editor.org/in-notes/rfc4144.txt.
< END RANT >